Recharge, let go.

216.6-->216.4-->212.4

When I stood on the scale early Saturday morning, it read 218.4. I had assumed it would be a loss, I could just feel it, but the scale said something quite different. I laid on the couch and watched some mindless TV in the dark without paying attention -- should I be depressed? Why did I think it was a loss if it was really another gain? Is the ideology I've developed over the years from thinking and writing and living it turning out to be incomplete? Perhaps I have a health issue that is manifesting itself in weight gain despite my calorie reduction, exercise increase, and continuing shift from less sweets and carbs to more fats, proteins and vegetables?

I got up and peed, decided to jump on the scale to see if I just shed a half pound or so, just to make this report a little less humiliating. I was stunned to see it register a 4 lb loss instead of a 2 lb gain. Like a typical weight-obsessive, I got on and off the scale several times. When I got on a little quicker than before, -bam!- there it was, 218.4 It seems I forgot to let the scale tare itself. It was 3 in the morning when I initially weighed in.

It was that 30 minutes of doubt -- I wondered if I should get depressed, and instead I decided to start a new plan of action - see a doctor, listen to what is said, revise plan based on new evidence. Fortunately, simply by checking myself, things fell into place.

I have my share of faults, imperfections, issues, problems and eccentricities, but one of those things can be interpreted as a strength -- I'm always on time or early, whether it's arriving at a function or delivering work to a client. There is stopwatch always running in my brain, making itself known if things are falling behind schedule, letting me know the time whether I want to know it or not. It's not quite conscious, but when the pressure is on, it's not quite unconscious either.

Stepping on that scale and seeing a gain made me realize I've developed a new aspect of this stopwatch - because of the years of calorie counting, there is a constant calculus in my head that has been putting a check on how much I eat every day. The logs below have kind of become an afterthought of this process, to check myself. The last 2-3 weeks I've made a conscious decision to trust in this internal watch, loosened my hand on the grip, and indeed, I've eaten my way around comfortably, the system is functioning  - it pays attention to my real hunger, to how my brain is functioning, and ignores the child-like urges for more sweets, more food, the secure feeling of a super-full stomach.

Last weekend I spent 4 days in England, a holiday I've been taking every other year for most of my adult life. This was the first time I eased back on the eating, rather than going forward and cramming in a whole mess, giving myself holiday-permission. I still enjoyed the hell out of my traditional foods, just skipped a lot of the unnecessary snacking and extra beers. I left without the traditional queazy feeling in my stomach from all that extra. I left feeling pretty much as good as when I arrived.

It has been in this letting go that I decided to stop posting weekly -- I think I've said all I need to say in a weekly format. I will now focus on just one essay a month, to give it a little more original thought and usefulness, rather than just fill up space to make a self-imposed deadline.

Thanks to all of my 3 readers -- I'll check in with you in early May!

-N

-----

DAILY AVERAGE: 2355
A good average, pretty much where I want to be to lose weight for a while, it seems. Lines up with my continuous weight loss from '12-'14.
-----

MONDAY COUNT: 2460
SLEPT: 9pm - 5:30am, 8.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 5:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1 : 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 1pm, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 3:15pm, beef patty, chicken soup, momma salad, pickles, 600 cal

DINNER: 7pm, lemon sole, roasted asparagus, poppa salad, 650 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:30pm, popcorn, kind bar, +/- 600 cal

-----

TUESDAY COUNT: 2110

SLEPT: 10pm-6am,  8 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:15am,  iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:45am, Fage with honey, vanilla almonds,  450 cal

LUNCH: 3pm, sauteed shrimp, poppa salad, 460 cal 

PM SNACK: 5pm, poppa salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 6pm, Vegetarian dim sum, +/- 700  cal

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, peanut butter crackers, 240 cal
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2870

SLEPT: 10pm-5:30am,  7.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 5:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 12:15pm, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 1:30pm, fruit smoothie, 450 cal

LUNCH: 3:45pm, poppa salad with dressing and bacon, 440 cal

PM SNACK: 5pm, momma salad, cashews, 250 cal

PM SNACK: 4:45pm, poppa salad with dressing, veggie straws, 330 cal

DINNER: 7:45pm, burrito, diet coke, 920 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8:45pm, homemade brownie, +/- 200 cal
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 825
THURSDAY COUNT: x

SLEPT: 1am-6:30am, 5.5 hr

AM SNACK: 7:15am, iced green tea

BIKE SNACK: 9:30am, homemade granola bar, 285 cal

BIKE SNACK: 10:30am, homemade granola bar, 285 cal

BIKE LUNCH: 11:45am, 2 slices of pizza, +/- 500 cal

LUNCH: 3:45pm, chinese food, +/- 1200

off to England.....

-----

TUESDAY COUNT: 1990

SLEPT: 10:30pm-6:30am, 8hrs

AM SNACK: 6:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: noon, Fage with honey, vanilla almonds,  450 cal


PM SNACK: 2:30pm, beef patty, tomato soup, momma salad, 530 cal

PM SNACK: 5:45pm, little snippets of chocolate gifts given to kids who wanted to share with me, +/- 200 cal

DINNER: 7pm, lemon sole, roasted asparagus, poppa salad, 650 cal
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2400

SLEPT: 9pm-6am,  9 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:15am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 11:45am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 1pm, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 3:15pm, poppa salad with dressing and bacon, 440 cal

PM SNACK: 5pm, momma salad, veggie straws, 230 cal

DINNER: 7:45pm, burrito, diet coke, 920 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8:45pm, homemade brownie, +/- 200 cal
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 700 cal
THURSDAY COUNT: 1945

SLEPT: 11:30pm-4:30am,  5 hrs

AM SNACK: 5am, iced green tea, 150mg caffeine

BIKE SNACK: 6:45am, homemade granola bar, 285 cal

BREAKFAST 1: 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:45am, Fage with honey, vanilla almonds,  450 cal

LUNCH: 2:30pm, shirataki noodles with shrimp and mushrooms in oyster sauce, poppa salad with dressing, 550 cal

DINNER: 6pm, chicken parm and spag, garlic crostini, kale tomato panzanella, white beans in oil and bread, a little veal, water, +/- 1200 cal
-----

FRIDAY COUNT: 2710

SLEPT: 9pm-6am,  9 hrs

AM SNACK: 7am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 10am, steel cut oatmeal,  450 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 ca

PM SNACK: 1:30pm, momma salad, veggie straws, 230 cal

LUNCH: 3:45pm, sardines and avocado on whole wheat toast, poppa salad with dressing, 650 cal

DINNER: 5:15pm, fish and chips, hotdog, hot fudge sundae, +/- 1200 cal

I'll take it!

214-->216.6-->216.4
It's with a small sense of relief that the gain finally stopped this month -- though a 1/5 lb loss is not statistically significant, I do think my increased mindfulness over the past month did turn the trend. Bike season is about to start, and that matched with increased awareness of what/how/when/why I throw food down my gullet  should hopefully expand the trend over the spring summer and fall.

No declarations here, just more of what I thought about doing in the weigh-in last month. Slow and steady wins this race. I think that's all I'll say about that.

WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2912
Too high. Really must work on that.
-----

MONDAY COUNT: 3040 cal
SLEPT: 11pm - 6:30am, 7.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 7am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1 : 10:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: noon, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, beef patty, momma salad, tomato soup, pickles, 530 cal

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, half a kielbasa, 400 cal

DINNER: 5:45pm, lemon sole, asparagus, poppa salad with dressing, 600 cal

EVENING SNACKS: 8pm, half a chocolate bar, handful of animal crackers, popcorn, +/- 700 cal

-----

TUESDAY COUNT: 2860

SLEPT: 10pm-6am,  8 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:30am,  iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:30am, Greek yogurt with honey, almonds, vanilla,  450 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, chicken meatballs, steamed string beans, mushroom curry, pickles 660 cal

PM SNACK: 3:30pm, momma salad, veggie straws, 230 cal

PM SNACK: 4:30, cereal with milk, 300 cal

DINNER: 6:45pm, Stouffers Pizza, poppa salad with dressing, 1060 cal
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: 3000 cal

SLEPT: 8pm-6am, 10 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:15am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 12:30pm, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, bacon, poppa salad with dressing,  440cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, momma salad, cheesits, 330 cal

PM SNACK: 5pm cashews, 250 cal

DINNER: 8pm, burrito, diet coke, 920 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9:15pm, kind bar, nutella, peanut butter pretzels, +/- 900 cal
-----

THURSDAY COUNT:2470

SLEPT: 11:30pm-6:30am, 7hr

AM SNACK: 6:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 10am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 12:30, fruit smoothie, 450  cal

LUNCH: 3pm, poppa salad with dressing, veggie straws,  330 cal

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, momma salad, cheezits, 330 cal

DINNER: 6pm, shrimp & scallop scampi with freshly baked Italian bread, creme brûlée, wine, +/- 1200 cal
Homecooked, not resto.
-----

FRIDAY COUNT: 3190

SLEPT: 2:30am-6:30am, 4hrs

AM SNACK: 7am, iced green tea


BREAKFAST: 10:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: noon, steel cut oatmeal,  450 cal

LUNCH: 1:45pm, sauteed chicken and mushrooms in wine and spices over quinoa, momma salad, creme brûlée, +/- 1000 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, chocolate bar, pirate booty, 580 cal

DINNER:7pm, sushi, desserts, +/- 1000 cal

Slowly turning the wheel

207.0-->214-->216.6

Well, I could see this as the ship turning, just not as fast as I'd like, but when it comes to things like weight gain and loss, slower is always better. As my bike riding has taken a back seat to the weather, I've restarted lifting free weights twice a week this past month, and truth is I feel good, a littler firmer in the right way. I'm healthy.

It's been a bit tough because my freelance dance card has been slow last month, and I suspect February will also be a slog, but truth: it's so much better than where I was last year. I may be fatter, but I'm also happier with how my life is with my family, personal affairs and day to day management.

Though my calorie consumption was pulled back a bit, sweets continue to bleed over from the weekend and into my weekdays. Rather than take this new number as a discouragement, I'm going to take it as an encouragement to stay the course on exercise -- the weights and limited riding do me good, not as a weight loss tool but literally as a mood-elevating drug. But again, truth: I need to refocus on habits that need to last me the rest of my life, not a "diet". I remember my body reacting to my weight loss at the bottom of the curve above by getting ravenous all the time. I need to lower the boom....slowly. Steps for this month:

• Target a calorie cap of 2750 every day
• Limit deserts to Fri night-Sunday afternoon
• Cook more, aim for 5 dinners a week at home.

I have other ideas, but I think taking too much on at once would be a recipe for getting lost in the details -- all those "diets" with a zillion rules and strict meal plans for limited time are all guaranteed to fail. Just retain my mindfulness and don't beat myself up when I backslide a little -- it's the bigger picture that's important, but the big picture is made up of a string of little pictures.

WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2682

Not bad, improving, pat on the back for steering this ship BEFORE weighing in on Friday.

-----

MONDAY COUNT: 2870

SLEPT: 9pm - 6am, 9 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:30am, iced black tea

BREAKFAST 1 : 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:15am, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, beef patty, pickle, split pea soup, health salad, momma salad, pickle 640 cal

DINNER: 6pm, grilled pork tenderloin, roasted brussel sprouts, poppa salad with dressing, 720 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7pm,  kind bar, popcorn, handful of animal crackers, nutella, +/- 900 cal

-----

TUESDAY COUNT: 2660

SLEPT: 9pm-6am,  9 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:15am,  iced black tea

BREAKFAST: 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:15am, fage with honey, vanilla, almonds, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 3:30pm, momma salad, cheezits, pickles, 330 cal

DINNER: 5:45pm, burrito, ice cream, +/-1320 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7pm, kind bar, small bowl of cereal and whole milk, +/- 400 cal
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: 3340

SLEPT: 9:30pm-1am, 2am-6am, 7.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:15am, iced black tea

BREAKFAST 1: 9:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:30, fruit smoothie,  450 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, grilled pork tenderloin, roasted brussel sprouts, poppa salad with dressing, shortbread, +/- 820 cal

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

PM SNACK: 6:15pm, streetza, +/- 300 cal

DINNER: 8:15pm, lamb sausage poboy, fries, pudding & pie, +/- 900 cal

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, shortbread, +/- 400 cal
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 500 cal
THURSDAY COUNT: 2290

SLEPT: 11pm-6:30am, 7.5hrs

AM SNACK: 6:45am, iced black tea

BREAKFAST 1: 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 12:45am, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 2pm, momma salad, veggie straws, 230 cal

BIKE SNACK: 4pm, homemade granola bar, 300 cal

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, kind bar, 200 cal

DINNER: 6pm, lemon sole, asparagus, poppa salad, ice cream & short bread, +/- 1,500 cal
-----

FRIDAY COUNT: 2250

SLEPT: 9:30pm-6:30am, 9hrs

AM SNACK: 6:45am, iced black tea

BREAKFAST: 11:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 1pm, fage with honey, vanilla, almonds, 450 cal

LUNCH: 3:45pm, bacon with poppa salad with dressing, 440

DINNER: 7:15pm, burger and fries, +/- 900 cal

EVENING SNACKS: 9pm, shortbread and ice cream +/- 300 cal

Reckoning

206.8-->207.0-->214
Well, this is a reckoning. This past month has been firing on all cylinders - work and money, women and relationships, children and family, friends and loved ones, all have been going really well. But upon reflection, a new imbalance has emerged. I recently got a cat to keep me company at home, as I've been working from home pretty constantly since June. (Sure, it was a gift and a companion to my kids but get real, it's for me.) The numbers at the end of the month indicate that December was successful, and I really have been enjoying my work....but there is a cost. Looking back over my food diaries, I've been indulging in more sweets, more restaurant foods and less good stuff as a way of stress management. I guess "stress" is usually looked at as a bad thing, but the kind of work stress I've been undergoing this past month has been the best kind -- the kind that makes you challenge yourself and results in surprises of what you can actually do.

But bottom line -- it was more calories in, less calories out. I expected the weather to get colder, and work made it easy to schedule less bike rides, allowing me not to sacrifice any time with my kids. Thanks to the WARMEST DECEMBER EVER, I could have extended my ride season but ended up being pretty physically complacent. Clothes don't lie -- I wore a suit last night and while it wasn't ridiculous, it clearly said "OH HELL TO THE NO" as I got it on.

I've done this before. I've been here. But it's different now: I'm not lost in a fuzzy cloud and life is good. Starting right now (and not next week or next month), I'm increasing my vegetable intake, both raw and cooked. I'm bringing back weight lifting once or twice a week. I'm decreasing my sweets and restaurants during the week. I won't be recording or posting during the next week -- I'll take this as an opportunity to shift gears without over-thinking it, just see how it makes me feel, and return to obsessively writing down my sleep, eats and random reactions to food-related media in the new year.

To my 2.5 readers, happy new year and thanks!

WEEKLY AVERAGE: ...

Too distracted.

-----

MONDAY COUNT: 2600

SLEPT: 10:30pm - 5:30am, 7 hrs

AM SNACK: 5:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1 : 9:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2 : 11:30am, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 2:30pm, beef patty, momma salad, chicken soup, pickles 640 cal

DINNER: 6:30pm, grouper, asparagus, poppa salad with dressing, 750 cal

EVENIGN SNACK: 7pm, popcorn, pocky, +/- 600 cal

-----

TUESDAY COUNT: 3090

SLEPT: 9:30pm-3:45am,  6.25hrs

AM SNACK: 4am,  iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10:30am, Greek yogurt with honey, almonds, vanilla,  450 cal

LUNCH: 2pm, steamed string beans, lentil curry, chicken meatballs, pickles,  680 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, momma salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 5:30pm, shwarma platter, ice cream, +/- 1000cal

EVENING SNACK: 7pm, pocky, rice crisps & milk, one brownie, +/-600 cal
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: 3060

SLEPT: 9pm-2:30am, 5.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 4am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 9am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11am, fruit smoothie, 450 cal

LUNCH: 2:15pm, bacon, poppa salad with dressing,  440 cal

PM SNACK: 3:30pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, cashews, 250 cal

PM SNACK: 6:15pm, streetza, +/- 300 cal

DINNER: 7:45pm, Chipotle Burrito, ice cream, +/- 1200 cal
-----

THURSDAY COUNT: 3090

SLEPT: 9:30pm-5:30am, 8hrs

AM SNACK: 5:45am, iced green tea

AM SNACK: 9:30am, pickle, a small piece of brie, 50 cal

BREAKFAST 1: 10:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:45am, 3 meatballs, +/-450 cal
Just baked off a bunch, had to make sure they were done...

LUNCH: 2:45pm, poppa salad with dressing and veggie straws, 330 cal

DINNER: 5pm, chinese brick, ice cream, +/- 1500 cal

EVENING SNACKS: 9pm, pocky, pringles, 400 cal
-----

FRIDAY COUNT: x

SLEPT: 10:30pm-5am, 6.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 5:15am, iced green tea

...

Monthly Weight In: Flat Lining

206.8-->206.8-->207.0
Another month, another holding of the line, as .2 lbs is not statistically significant. Looking over the past month (as well as the official start of eating season kicked off on Thursday with Thanksgiving), I'm a little surprised my weight held steady -- I've been regularly approaching 3K calories a day. You see from the chart above that from 2010 to 2012 (and probably long before) my weigth would fluctuate up in the winter and down in the summer. I've seemed to have broken that cycle, but that doesn't mean that demon still doesn't lurk.

But I feel good, my body is healthy and while most of my "skinny" clothes have been feeling snug for a while now, they're still wearable. As Fall is soon turing to Winter, I need to reactivate on the weight lifting as cycling becomes more restricted.

I think my only concern is the fact that I've been working from home almost exclusively since June, and it has afforded me more flexibility in my eating routine than I'm used to. I've started to change things up a little to avoid boredom and take advantage of a new-found trust in myself not to be a garbage-person, but y'know, freedom can be scary. Hence the mindful check of the food diary you all read with great attention and interest. (I know, sarcasm doesn't read well, you'll just have to take that leap...)

-----

WEEKLY AVERAGE: Void

Didn't record starting Wednesday evening, you'll just have to take my word for it that my eating remained sane, reasonable and enjoyable. Still need this system to get more vegetables into my body, but I did not blow myself out on sugar-binges or never-ending bowls of pasta.

-----

MONDAY COUNT: 2390

SLEPT: 11pm-7am, 8 hrs

AM SNACK: 7:15am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

PM SNACK: 1:15pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 3pm, beef patty, chicken soup, 480 cal

DINNER: 6:45pm, grouper fish, asparagus,  poppa salad with dressing, 750 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:15pm, popcorn, homemade babka, +/-900

-----

TUESDAY COUNT: 3045

SLEPT: 9pm-2am, 5:45am-7:30am,  6.75hrs

AM SNACK: 3 am,  iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 1pm, greek yogurt with honey, almonds, vanilla, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 3:15pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

DINNER: 5:30pm, burrito & diet coke, 925cal

EVENING HUNGER SNACKS: 6:30pm, ramen, babka, chocolate chips & cashews, +/- 1200, hunger 9/10
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: x

SLEPT: 9pm-4am, 7 hrs

AM SNACK: 4:30am, iced green tea

AM SNACK: 8:30am, school waffle, +/- 100 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, Stouffers French Bread pizzas, momma salad, 920cal

PM SNACK: 2pm, snippets of cornbread, stuffing, apple juice, +/- 300 cal

Monthly Weigh In: Steady, Freddy

209.8-->206.8-->206.8

I think this past month I spent the least amount of time thinking about food and my diet; I suspect riffing in these blog essays are my only time to really think about food, the rest of the time I've been running on automatic, assisted by documenting what I eat. When I write the list below, I literally have a copy of last week's, and to a certain extent I let it guide what I eat. So it's no great surprise that my weight did not go up or down this past month.

The clocks just turned back, the holiday season just kicked off with a candy-fest. My bike riding will start to decrease while the seasonal foods get heavier. I guess right now, the only note to myself is to keep my head in the diet game while I focus on the professional and personal developments swirling around me.

-----

WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2778

Surprisingly high, but looking at what I went through Thursday, I can't really beat myself up.

-----

MONDAY COUNT: 2475

SLEPT: 9:30pm-4am, 4:30am-7am, 9 hrs

AM SNACK: 10am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 11am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST: noon, Fage with honey, almonds, vanilla, 450 cal

LUNCH: 3pm, beef patty, chicken mulligatawny soup, momma salad, health salad, 825 cal

DINNER: 6:15pm, Frenchbread Pizzas,  poppa salad with dressing, 1040 cal
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 645
TUESDAY COUNT: 2995

SLEPT: 9pm-3am,  6hrs

AM SNACK: 3:30 am,  iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 7am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 9:30am, fruit smoothie, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 1pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, chicken meatballs, mushroom curry, steamed string beans, 650 cal

BIKE SNACK: 3:30pm, homemade granola bar, 350 cal

DINNER: 6:15pm, shrimp with whole wheat pasta, homemade tomato sauce and grated parm,  poppa salad with dressing, 1150 cal

HUNGER SNACK: 9pm, cookies, 780 cal, hunger 10/10
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2675

SLEPT: 9:15pm-11am, 1am-7am 7.75 hrs

AM SNACK: 7:15am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 12:15pm, granola with whole milk, +/- 450 cal

LUNCH: 4:15pm, flounder, asparagus, poppa salad, 440cal

DINNER: 7:30pm, burrito & diet coke, 925cal

EVENING SNORT: 8:45pm, beer, 2 cookies, +/- 300 cal

HUNGER SNACK: 11pm, kind bar, pringles, 400 cal, 9/10
-----

THURSDAY COUNT: 3385

SLEPT: 11:30pm-5:15am, 5.75 hours

AM SNACK: 5:30am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11am, Steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 1:45pm, chicken breast in oyster sauce and mushrooms, poppa salad with dressing, 675 cal

PM SNACK: 5pm, momma salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 8pm, fried mixed perigees with kraut and onions, +/- 1000 cal

EMOTIONAL SNACK: 9pm, 4 cupcakes, +/- 1000 cal
I attended a one-time event that was a year in the making this evening that was difficult but necessary, and I allowed myself this heavy dinner and snack to just kinda cope. As long as these things only happen once a year, I'm not going to beat myself up.
-----

FRIDAY COUNT: 2360

SLEPT: 9:30pm-7:15am, 9.75 hrs

AM SNACK: 7:30am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 12:30pm, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

PM SNACK: 2pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 3pm, beef patty, poppa salad with dressing, 600 cal

DINNER: 5:15pm, fish & chips, 1.5 hotdogs, ice cream, +/- 1500 cal

Monthly Weigh In

I

206.8-->209.8-->206.8

This path month I headed my own advice and double-downed on restricting sweets during the week, accurately monitoring my calorie intake, and allowing myself to be hungry as long as it felt in control. A few times it became a little too much to handle and I just had to eat to get straight, but I'm now much more conscious of it -- this is something that'll take time to refine and work on and hopefully eventually eliminate. I'm creating a "user's manual" for my own individual body, something I suspect many people wish they had but look for easy answer to a highly personalized, nuanced question. 

I think that search underlies crazy stuff like the "paleo" diet, which supposes that before modern culture, whatever food was available was some how the "correct" diet suited perfectly to our systems. Of course that's ridiculous -- humans have dominated the world not because they are suited to it, but because a) they were able to adapt to whatever was available and b) they were able to adapt the world itself to it's own "modern" needs and wants.

Outside the limited scope of this blog, things are going really well in my professional & personal life, and seeing my kids unfold into the people they will be is indescribable. Undoubtedly the strength and gratitude being generated from this side of things helps me embrace and manage a little bit of daily hunger. (But only a little bit, the siren song of eating disorder is not audible yet, but I hear it follows a similar melody.)

I'm just going to keep doing what I did this past month, and refine it. The weigh-in today did give me a pause of satisfaction, but this is only the tentative first step in another year (or several years) to get to an maintain a healthier weight. As the weather gets colder and the bike riding becomes secondary, going to pick up some weekly weight lifting again. As the heavier fall food comes back, just be vigilant in proportion and keep the fun stuff to the weekend....

-----

WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2746

A little higher than I would like, but still over all a good eating week.

-----
MONDAY COUNT: 2800

SLEPT: 11pm-7am, 8 hrs
Recently got pringles single-serve cans for the kids, had one in hunger, did NOTHING to blunt hunger, should have known better. Think I was unusually hungry today because I actually ate relatively conservatively on Sunday, a day I've habitually ate too much but am getting better.

AM SNACK: 7:30 am, iced black chai tea
Mixing it up, tasted really yummy.

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, Fage with almonds, honey, vanilla +/- 450 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, sardine & avocado on whole wheat toast, chicken soup, momma salad, 740 cal

HUNGER SNACK: 6:15pm, kind bar, 200 cal, 9/10

DINNER: 7pm, mahi mahi, roasted asparagus, poppa salad, 650 cal

HUNGER SNACK: 7:30pm, pringles can, peanut butter & chocolate syrup, +/- 600 cal, hunger 9/10
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 725 cal
TUESDAY COUNT: 3325

SLEPT: 8pm-5:30am, 9.5hrs

AM SNACK: 5:45 am,  iced black chai tea

BREAKFAST: 9:45am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10:45am, Steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

BIKE SNACK: 12:30pm, homemade granola bar, 430 cal

LUNCH: 2:15pm, chicken meatballs, steamed string beans,mushroom curry, pickles, 640 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, momma salad, pringles, 290 cal

DINNER: 7pm, French Bread Pizzas,  poppa salad with dressing, 1080 cal

HUNGER SNACK: 8pm, kind bar, 2 kid granola bars, nutella, pirate booty, 1000 cal, 8/10
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT:2665

SLEPT: 9:30pm-6am, 8.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:15am, iced black chai tea

BREAKFAST: 8am, Fage yogurt with honey, vanilla, almonds, 450 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:45am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

LUNCH: 2pm, grilled shrimp mushrooms, poppa salad, 630cal

PM SNACK: 3pm, momma salad, 100 cal

HOLIDY SNACK: 5pm, half a pumpernickel bagel with cream cheese and a lot of salmon, +/- 400 cal

DINNER: 8pm, burrito, diet coke, +/- 925 cal
-----

THURSDAY COUNT: 2730

SLEPT: 10:30pm-6am, 7.5 hours

AM SNACK: 6:15am, iced black chai tea

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11am, fruit smoothie, 450 cal

LUNCH: 1:15pm, beef patty, poppa salad with dressing, pickles, 620 cal

PM SNACK: 3:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 6:30pm, fancy pizza, salad, water, +/- 1000 cal

HUNGER SNACK: 8:30pm, ice cream, +/- 400 cal
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 2330
FRIDAY COUNT: 2210

SLEPT: 9:30pm-1:30am, 4 hours

AM SNACK: 1:1:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 2:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 150mg caffeine, 160 cal

BIKE SNACK 1: 4:45am, homemade granola bar, 330 cal

BIKE SNACK 2: 6am, 3 donuts, 150mg caffeine, 890 cal

BIKE SNACK 3: 9am, homemade granola bar, 330 cal

BIKE SNACK 4: 10am,  homemade granola bar, 150mg caffeine, 330 cal

BIKE SNACK 5: 11:15am, digestive biscuits, 520 cal

BIKE SNACK 6: 12:45, chips, Gatorade, 540 cal

BIKE SNACK 7: 2:15pm, burger, onion ring, diet coke, 640cal

DINNER: 5:30pm, hotdog, ice cream. +/- 800 cal

Monthly Weigh In

208.6-->206.8-->209.8

Well, I'm 20 lbs heavier than my lightest abaout a year and a half a go, and I'm 20 lbs lighter than my heaviest, about 3 years ago. However, most of the clothing I bought a year or two ago still fits, and my health in terms of physicality and mentality are worlds better than I was three years ago, maybe even a year and a half ago. Weight is not a perfect measure of health (though I imagine it's a spectacular measure of vanity, which makes me think twice about these monthly check-ins...)

I've had a good month, professionally and personally. I'm happier than I've been in a while. My bike injury is receding nicely, and I've done a few high-intensity rides between 30-50 miles in the last few weeks to no negative consequence. About to resume long-distance riding, hopefully I won't have missed out too much before the season is over.

I know what I have to do, it's obvious -- I started regaining weight when I started to feel hungry all the time and upped my daily calories from 2300-2500 to 2600-2900. How can I get back to the original calorie goal without tripping the HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY alarm recessed deep somewhere in my brain?

I'm gonna think about it, no time to obsess about it now. I'm fatter, but I'm fine with it, and don't feel hopeless.

-----

WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2784

Mostly a good eating week, but don't think I don't notice the high average.

-----

MONDAY COUNT: 2580

SLEPT: 2am-7:30am, 5.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 7:45 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 10:30am, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, falafel, chicken soup, pickles, 520 cal

BREAKFAST 1: 5:45pm, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

PM SNACK:  6pm, momma salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 6:45pm, mahi mahi,  asparagus, poppa salad with dressing, 650 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:15pm, popcorn, +/- 400 cal

EVENING SNACKS: 7:30pm, 2 kids granola bats, almond butter & chocolate syrup, +/- 400 cal
-----

TUESDAY COUNT: 2960

SLEPT: 9pm-4:30am, 7.5hrs

AM SNACK: 4:45 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11am, fruit smoothie, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 1:30pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

PM SNACK: 2:45pm, kind bar, 200 cal

DINNER: 7pm, French Bread pizzas, poppa salad with dressing, 1080 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:30pm, almond butter & chocolate syrup, +/- 300 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8pm, beef patty, 360 cal
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 800 cal
WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2880

SLEPT: 9pm - 1am, 5am - 6am 5 hrs

AM SNACK: 1:15am, iced green tea

 BREAKFAST: 8:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BIKE SNACK: 10:45am, homemade granola bar, 330 cal

BREAKFAST 2: noon, fage yogurt with honey, almonds, vanilla, 450 cal

LUNCH: 1:45pm, shrimp & mushrooms, poppa salad with dressing, 630 cal

PM SNACK: 2pm, watermelon, +/- 400 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, momma salad, veggie straws, 160 cal

PM SNACK: 5:30pm, cashews, 250 cal

DINNER: 8:30pm, steak, summer roll, crepe, ice cream, +/- 1300 cal
-----

THURSDAY COUNT: 2570

SLEPT: 11pm-6am, 7 hours

AM SNACK: 6:30am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 10am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, chicken sausage, steamed string beans, madras lentils, pickles, 640 cal

PM SNACK: 3:45pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

PM SNACK: 5pm, poppa salad with dressing, veggie straws, 360 cal

DINNER: 7pm, meatballs and polenta, gnocci, tomato salad and roasted peppers, bread, glass of wine, chocolate pudding, +/- 1200 cal
-----

FRIDAY COUNT: 2930

SLEPT: 11pm-4am, 5 hours

AM SNACK: 4:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 8:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10am,watermelon, +/-400 cal

LUNCH: 12:45pm, beef patty, poppa salad and dressing, 600 cal

PM SNACK: 1pm, momma salad, peanut butter crackers, 300 cal

PM SNACK: 4:15pm, nutella, 270 cal

DINNER: 6:15pm, veal parm, spag, salad, stuffed mushrooms, half a beer, +/- 1200 cal

Monthy Weigh In

207-->208.6-->206.8

July was difficult because work slowed down, and after several doctor visits, it appeared I pulled a core-muscle whose only cure is to stay off the bike until it felt better. Just rode slowly for the first time in 2 weeks on Friday, and it's gotten a lot better, so I should be back out sooner than later. Still, it's been a lot to handle. Been trying to throttle back on the eating a little, and despite some stress-related eating late this week, my weight has dropped a little. Hopefully August will see some more positive trends.

WEEKLY AVERAGE: ---

Spent a few necessary days off the reservation, making the average meaningless.

-----

MONDAY COUNT: 2730

SLEPT: 11pm-6am, 7 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:15 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 8am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 9:45am, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 1:15pm, falafel, health salad, pickles, onion soup, 560 cal

PM SNACK:  3pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cl

DINNER: 6:45pm, flounder, asparagus, poppa salad with dressing, 650 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:30pm, popcorn, +/- 400 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8pm, kind bar, 200 cal
-----

TUESDAY COUNT: 2150 cal

SLEPT: 9:30pm-6:30am, 9hrs

AM SNACK: 6:45 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10:45am, age yogurt wit honey, vanilla, almonds, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 1pm, momma salad, veggie straws, 360 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, kind bar, 200 cal

DINNER: 630pm, French Bread Pizza, poppa salad with dressing, 1080 cal

-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: ---

SLEPT: 9:30pm - 6:30am, 9 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9:45am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11pm, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 3pm, sauteed shrimp and mushrooms, poppa salad with dressing, 630 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, momma salad, cheezits310 cal

DINNER: 6pm, Chipotle Burrito, diet coke, ice cream, 880 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9:30pm, lots of nutella, ---
-----

THURSDAY COUNT: ---

SLEPT: 1am-6am, 5 hours

AM SNACK: 6:15am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 9am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11am, fage yogurt with honey, almonds, vanilla, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 2pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

DINNER: 4:30pm, lots of food and sweets, ---

-----

BIKE CREDIT: 550 cal
FRIDAY COUNT: 1670

SLEPT: 7:30pm-7:30am, 12hours

BREAKFAST: 7:45am, iced green tea

BIKE SNACK: 11am, homemade granola bar, 550 cal

BREAKFAST 1: 2:30pm, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

PM SNACK: 5pm, kind bar, 200 cal

DINNER: 7pm, steak, fries, oysters, ice cream, +/- 1000 cal

Monthy Weigh In: Point B.

203.6-->207-->208.6

After last month's call for deep thought and self-analysis, I'm going to be brief now. The slight gain is annoying, but not unexpected. I really haven't focused on eating much this past month, but I've made interesting roads into the emotional and professional circles of the ven diagram I presented last month. Despite this being the heaviest I've been in 2 years, my health has never been better, my endurance on the bike and, uh, other physical activities, are strongest it's even been in my entire life.

Though I'm afraid to directly say it as it may cause a jinx, I'm kinda happy right now. Not satisfied or full or complacent or distracted by baubles, but yeah, I'm kinda happy with how things are going. Key word "going", as there seems to be movement from a very dark Point A that starts in February 2010 of the above graph, and will go to some Point C at some undetermined point in the future. It's the trip, not the destination, where all the fun lies. And I don't mean destination like a beach resort in Hawaii, I mean destination, like death. OK, I'll shaddap now.

Heaven, Hell and Point C

I'm gonna try to eat a little less in July. That is all.

-----

WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2920
Very intense but good week. Ate too much because of emotional eating, but I know it's not a new normal and can be related to very specific, non-repeating events.

-----

MONDAY COUNT: 3270

SLEPT: 12pm-6am, 6 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:15 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 9am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10:30am, Fage with honey, almonds, vanilla, 450 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, vegetarian meatballs, tomato soup, slaw, pickles, 550 cal

PM SNACK: 3pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

DINNER: 7pm, mahi mahi, asparagus, poppa salad with dressing, 600 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:30pm, popcorn, +/- 400 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8pm, flourless chocolate cake, digestive cookies, +/- 800 cal
Emotional turmoil.
-----

TUESDAY COUNT: 3250

SLEPT: 9:30pm-1am, 3:30am- 6:15am, 6.25hrs

AM SNACK: 6:30 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10am, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal  

LUNCH: 2pm, chicken meatballs, lentil curry, steamed string beans, pickles,  650 cal

PM SNACK: 2:30pm, almond croissant, +/- 400 cal

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

DINNER: 7pm, stouffers french bread pizza, poppa salad, 1080 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8pm, 2 kid granola bars, 200 cal
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: 3390

SLEPT: 9:30pm - 3:30am, 6 hrs

AM SNACK: 4am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 7am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, fruit smoothie, 450 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, sauteed shrimp and mushrooms, poppa salad with dressing, 740 cal

PM SNACK: 3:30pm, momma salad, cheezit, 310 cal

PM SNACK: 4:30pm, cashews, 250 cal

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, homemade ice cream, +/- 300 cal

DINNER: 7:45pm, Chipotle Burrito, 880 cal

EVENING SNACK: 10:15pm, ice cream, +/- 300 cal
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 2550 cal
THURSDAY COUNT: 1380

SLEPT: 12:30am-5am, 4.5 hours

AM SNACK: 5:30am, iced green tea, 

BREAKFAST 1: 6am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 7:15am, 3 good donuts, +/- 800 cal

BIKE BREAKFAST: 10am, waffle, bacon, +/- 700 cal

BIKE SNACK: 12pm, homemade granolabar, 285 cal

BIKE SNACK: 3pm, homemade granola bar, 285 cal

BIKE SNACK: 4:45pm, cheetos, twix, diet coke, +/- 800 cal

DINNER: 8pm, Ethiopian food, +/- 900 cal
-----

FRIDAY COUNT: 3270

SLEPT: 11pm-6am, 7 hours

AM SNACK: 6am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 10am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11am, Fage yogurt with honey, almonds, vanilla, 450 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, sardines and avocado on whole wheat toast, pickles, poppa salad with dressing, 750 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, momma salad and cheezits, 310 cal

DINNER: 5pm, hot dog, fries, ice cream, +/- 800 cal

DINNER 2: 9pm, beef patties, cookies, +/- 800 cal