Recharge, let go.

216.6-->216.4-->212.4

When I stood on the scale early Saturday morning, it read 218.4. I had assumed it would be a loss, I could just feel it, but the scale said something quite different. I laid on the couch and watched some mindless TV in the dark without paying attention -- should I be depressed? Why did I think it was a loss if it was really another gain? Is the ideology I've developed over the years from thinking and writing and living it turning out to be incomplete? Perhaps I have a health issue that is manifesting itself in weight gain despite my calorie reduction, exercise increase, and continuing shift from less sweets and carbs to more fats, proteins and vegetables?

I got up and peed, decided to jump on the scale to see if I just shed a half pound or so, just to make this report a little less humiliating. I was stunned to see it register a 4 lb loss instead of a 2 lb gain. Like a typical weight-obsessive, I got on and off the scale several times. When I got on a little quicker than before, -bam!- there it was, 218.4 It seems I forgot to let the scale tare itself. It was 3 in the morning when I initially weighed in.

It was that 30 minutes of doubt -- I wondered if I should get depressed, and instead I decided to start a new plan of action - see a doctor, listen to what is said, revise plan based on new evidence. Fortunately, simply by checking myself, things fell into place.

I have my share of faults, imperfections, issues, problems and eccentricities, but one of those things can be interpreted as a strength -- I'm always on time or early, whether it's arriving at a function or delivering work to a client. There is stopwatch always running in my brain, making itself known if things are falling behind schedule, letting me know the time whether I want to know it or not. It's not quite conscious, but when the pressure is on, it's not quite unconscious either.

Stepping on that scale and seeing a gain made me realize I've developed a new aspect of this stopwatch - because of the years of calorie counting, there is a constant calculus in my head that has been putting a check on how much I eat every day. The logs below have kind of become an afterthought of this process, to check myself. The last 2-3 weeks I've made a conscious decision to trust in this internal watch, loosened my hand on the grip, and indeed, I've eaten my way around comfortably, the system is functioning  - it pays attention to my real hunger, to how my brain is functioning, and ignores the child-like urges for more sweets, more food, the secure feeling of a super-full stomach.

Last weekend I spent 4 days in England, a holiday I've been taking every other year for most of my adult life. This was the first time I eased back on the eating, rather than going forward and cramming in a whole mess, giving myself holiday-permission. I still enjoyed the hell out of my traditional foods, just skipped a lot of the unnecessary snacking and extra beers. I left without the traditional queazy feeling in my stomach from all that extra. I left feeling pretty much as good as when I arrived.

It has been in this letting go that I decided to stop posting weekly -- I think I've said all I need to say in a weekly format. I will now focus on just one essay a month, to give it a little more original thought and usefulness, rather than just fill up space to make a self-imposed deadline.

Thanks to all of my 3 readers -- I'll check in with you in early May!

-N

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DAILY AVERAGE: 2355
A good average, pretty much where I want to be to lose weight for a while, it seems. Lines up with my continuous weight loss from '12-'14.
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MONDAY COUNT: 2460
SLEPT: 9pm - 5:30am, 8.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 5:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1 : 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 1pm, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 3:15pm, beef patty, chicken soup, momma salad, pickles, 600 cal

DINNER: 7pm, lemon sole, roasted asparagus, poppa salad, 650 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:30pm, popcorn, kind bar, +/- 600 cal

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TUESDAY COUNT: 2110

SLEPT: 10pm-6am,  8 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:15am,  iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:45am, Fage with honey, vanilla almonds,  450 cal

LUNCH: 3pm, sauteed shrimp, poppa salad, 460 cal 

PM SNACK: 5pm, poppa salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 6pm, Vegetarian dim sum, +/- 700  cal

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, peanut butter crackers, 240 cal
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2870

SLEPT: 10pm-5:30am,  7.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 5:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 12:15pm, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 1:30pm, fruit smoothie, 450 cal

LUNCH: 3:45pm, poppa salad with dressing and bacon, 440 cal

PM SNACK: 5pm, momma salad, cashews, 250 cal

PM SNACK: 4:45pm, poppa salad with dressing, veggie straws, 330 cal

DINNER: 7:45pm, burrito, diet coke, 920 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8:45pm, homemade brownie, +/- 200 cal
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 825
THURSDAY COUNT: x

SLEPT: 1am-6:30am, 5.5 hr

AM SNACK: 7:15am, iced green tea

BIKE SNACK: 9:30am, homemade granola bar, 285 cal

BIKE SNACK: 10:30am, homemade granola bar, 285 cal

BIKE LUNCH: 11:45am, 2 slices of pizza, +/- 500 cal

LUNCH: 3:45pm, chinese food, +/- 1200

off to England.....

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TUESDAY COUNT: 1990

SLEPT: 10:30pm-6:30am, 8hrs

AM SNACK: 6:45am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: noon, Fage with honey, vanilla almonds,  450 cal


PM SNACK: 2:30pm, beef patty, tomato soup, momma salad, 530 cal

PM SNACK: 5:45pm, little snippets of chocolate gifts given to kids who wanted to share with me, +/- 200 cal

DINNER: 7pm, lemon sole, roasted asparagus, poppa salad, 650 cal
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2400

SLEPT: 9pm-6am,  9 hrs

AM SNACK: 6:15am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 11:45am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 1pm, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 3:15pm, poppa salad with dressing and bacon, 440 cal

PM SNACK: 5pm, momma salad, veggie straws, 230 cal

DINNER: 7:45pm, burrito, diet coke, 920 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8:45pm, homemade brownie, +/- 200 cal
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 700 cal
THURSDAY COUNT: 1945

SLEPT: 11:30pm-4:30am,  5 hrs

AM SNACK: 5am, iced green tea, 150mg caffeine

BIKE SNACK: 6:45am, homemade granola bar, 285 cal

BREAKFAST 1: 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:45am, Fage with honey, vanilla almonds,  450 cal

LUNCH: 2:30pm, shirataki noodles with shrimp and mushrooms in oyster sauce, poppa salad with dressing, 550 cal

DINNER: 6pm, chicken parm and spag, garlic crostini, kale tomato panzanella, white beans in oil and bread, a little veal, water, +/- 1200 cal
-----

FRIDAY COUNT: 2710

SLEPT: 9pm-6am,  9 hrs

AM SNACK: 7am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 10am, steel cut oatmeal,  450 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 ca

PM SNACK: 1:30pm, momma salad, veggie straws, 230 cal

LUNCH: 3:45pm, sardines and avocado on whole wheat toast, poppa salad with dressing, 650 cal

DINNER: 5:15pm, fish and chips, hotdog, hot fudge sundae, +/- 1200 cal