Diet Soda is fraudulent.

Diet soda is a fraud in many cases. It gives a false sense of virtue: 

If I swap out my sugared soda with this diet soda, then it's OK to eat this double-double cheese burger n' fries! 

You save a few hundred calories, and then you add on a thousand or so because you've given yourself permission to eat something that's not, say, a lean piece of chicken and some steamed string beans. I've known this, but I have never seen it brought to it's logical conclusion until an economist took a rational approach to losing weight. It all comes down to two choices, change or die (i.e. remain fat and unhealthy.) Those are the only two choices, in reality. Of course, the money is to be made in offering a third choice.

(A well respected economist) wanted to think of (smoking) as a battle with two choices — quit or die of cancer — but his nicotine-addled brain kept coming up with a third option: sneak one more cigarette and quit later. Of course, later never came. “I was quitting for 20 years,” he said.

Trying but not succeeding to lose weight is exactly the same thing. Quit all the food that is horrible for you.....after this one cheeseburger. I'll start eating right.... after I read that book, or join that gym, or start that program. Products that offer "magical solutions", or third options, are where the profit is. 

Weight Watchers and gyms make people sign up for recurring billing -- your credit card gets zapped every month whether you attend the meetings or go work out. And while it's possible to resign from these things, many people do not....because they'd have to admit failure. It's so much more comforting to take the 3rd option: "oh, I'll start working out next month" or "I'll hop back on the meetings when I'm less busy in a few weeks". In short, it's a fraud because gyms, weight watchers and diet soda's primary interest is NOT to make you lose weight and lose you as a customer. They are only interested in keeping you paying.

After switching to all diet soda, I feel so much better....that I can eat twice the kebobs and burgers!

I read this article while I was eating lunch on Tuesday: almond butter on whole wheat, some cabbage slaw, a bag of carrots and red peppers...and a 7oz can of diet coke. I've been taking advantage of the small cans the beverage industry has been forced into making due to political moves to limit the size of beverages. I've been able to restrict my consumption to 14oz daily (half caffeinated), down form 24-36 before I really started paying attention. Two 8 packs of the cans is $10 a week or so. 

Until recently, I considered it a relatively harmless indulgence thats a hold-over from my old way of eating. Until a month ago or so, I was hitting up McDonalds once a week. First I was doing quarter pounder meals with fries and a medium coke, then swapped out to double quarter pounders with a small diet cola -- less carbs, less cal, still satisfying. But I stopped, not because I had to struggle to get out from under or boo-hoo McDonalds is soooo evil, but because....I just didn't want it that much, it doesn't make me feel as full or as good as my home cooking.

So as I'm sitting at lunch, I realized I had eaten more than half my meal and had not cracked the diet coke open yet. I just...didn't want it that much. As I'm reading, the author speaks of cheesy "miracle" products, pills that promise the world, things that assure you it'll be "easy" and promoted by TV gurus, and I then read this:

There is another class of products, I noticed, that have a related business model. They were not preying on my impulses to find a third way, but they still made money whether I lost weight or not. All those Slim-Fast shakes, Atkins bars and meal replacements may help some people lose weight, but much of the companies’ revenue comes from people who try and fail continuously or people who only want to create the illusion they are dieting. My desk was filled with books written by experts from the Mayo Clinic and Harvard. They contained useful information, but, for me, they acted like a miracle totem. I felt good about myself for buying them, but I never lost a pound.

Practicing for college life.

Diet Coke makes money for the Coke corporation whether I lost weight or not, as long as I stayed on the treadmill. Diet Coke has been a crutch but it should be a stepping stone, a detox from full sugar soda. Like sugar, we do not need it survive, it is a man made thing. The science is not conclusive - even though there are no calories to make you fat, the reaction to the sweetness may be enough to give you metabolic syndrome. Not to mention cancer and the artificial sweeteners. I do believe diet sodas are relatively better for a person than full-sugar soda, but swapping out diet soda for water is infinitely better than that, too.

I don't want to be limping around in semi-fatass-land for the rest of my life. I hope this is a one way trip to thin fitness, and old habits do not have to be ripped out of my hands with lots of trauma and grief, but I do have to let go. Starting today (I'm writing this on Wednesday), I'm going to attempt to restrict all diet soda consumption to the wild n' woolly weekends, right where my McDonald's consumption lies. No, it's not total elimination, but going from 7 days a week to 2 days a week should be a good start. The $10 I give to the $21 billion diet soda industry every week will be much better spent on vegetables.

POSTSCRIPT:

Friday morning, I made a cake for some one's birthday and a small smidgen of batter got in my mouth. In the evening, after rewarding my daughter with 5 M&Ms (more on that below), I popped a few strays in my mouth rather than going back to the kitchen to put them away. Later in the evening, I was making frosting for the cake and I tasted it for texture and quality. Once the cake was done and everything was cleaned up, I had an overwhelming craving for sugar, my pump undoubtedly primed by the three separate tastes through the day. My first reaction was to go for a diet soda to get the sweetness without the calories...but decided not to as I didn't want to feel like a hypocrite. I broke down and helped myself to a bowl of &Ms around 11pm, then a large dish of homemade ice cream. Oof. I should have just had the damn diet soda. The goal is to eliminate the stuff, but until I am free of such strong cravings and compulsions to eat sweet, I must embrace the crutches and lesser-evil tools available to me. 

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My three and half year old daughter reached a major milestone in her bathroom habits ('nuff said), and we've been bribing her with the promise of gifts for a while now. I foolishly did not have any gifts on hand, so I asked her what she would like moments after her big success. The first thing out of her mouth: M&Ms. I think she had her first and only taste for them around Valentine's Day, when a parent supplied her and friends with pink ones. Though against my better judgement, it was more important to make the moment special and we packed up the baby and trudged around the corner to the drug store to get her a packet of M&Ms. She went for the 2-serving "jumbo" packet, though I only allowed her the slender single serving - if they had those tiny mini Halloween sizes, I probably would have gone for one or two of those.

She was over the moon, and watched a movie while working her way through the whole pack. I asked for one, and she happily gave it, but when she saw I wasn't eating it, she shouted, "EAT IT!" I told her I was saving it for later, because if I didn't eat it now, I could have M&Ms for tomorrow, not just today. So she took it back and ate it.

It took her 30 minutes or so to get through the whole pack, and when she was done, she asked for water. An hour later, around dinner time, she asked for more M&Ms. She literally said, without prompting, that "those were the best M&Ms in the world, and they make me want more and more!" Oy, sugar is such a nasty thing.

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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2181

Despite blowing out early on Friday night, kept the eating tights and vegetable heavy. Got my first bike ride of the season in on Tuesday, slow and short, but hopefully the beginning of a powerful 7 months...

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MONDAY COUNT: 2135

Had a big eating weekend, but cut into my Sunday with a momma salad to just slow down the gobbling. Today, made 2nd Ave Deli's "health salad", basically shredded cabbage with vinegar, oil and sugar. I reduced the sugar in half, see how that goes. Had some serious sugar cravings after the salsa and chips in the evening, but they went away after 15 minutes or so. I imagine if I ate something tiny but sweet, that would have pushed me over the edge.

AM SNACK: 8:15am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 11am, Fage whole yogurt with almonds, agave and vanilla, 300 cal

Cut yogurt and agave in half, retained 28g of almonds, where the majority of calories come from, anyway. Still satisfying, as there is a lot of protein n' fat goin' on.

PM SNACK: 1pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 2pm, chicken meatballs, quinoa, steamed string beans, 7oz diet coke, 600cal

Adjusted my portions. Doubled string beans, reduced meatballs by 1/3. Kept grain to their small suggested serving (1/4 cup dry, a scant cup cooked) but jazzed it up with a tbsp o' butter.

PM SNACK: 5:45pm, apple/carrot/kale/beet/ginger juice, 150cal

DINNER: 8:45pm, stirfry with shrimp, mushrooms, brocolli, shirataki noodles, poppa salad,  7oz diet sprite, 685cal

Mixed it up a bit: added TWO veg instead of one, boiled & shocked brocolli along with sliced shitake mushrooms. Swapped out soy sauce for fermented black bean paste to go with my sauce of mirin wine, fish sauce and sesame oil -- came out much rounder and less salty. Was looking at other elements to through in (Hoisen, Oyster, Ponzu, etc) and they all seemed to be super loaded with sugar. The bean paste also has some added sugar, but it's relatively far down the list, not the 1st or second ingredient like some of the other sauces.

EVENING SNACK: 9:15pm, salsa and chips, 300cal

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BIKE CREDIT: 600 cal

TUESDAY COUNT: 2290

Did a loop around Manhattan on the road bike in the afternoon/early evening, started slow but picked up steam towards the end, felt good, haven't ridden properly since October. Making me think how I'm going to approach nutrition on the bike this season...

AM SNACK: 8am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:15am, steel cut oatmeal with butter, brown sugar, vanilla & salt, 250 cal

Rather than half the batch, I took care to measure out the batch into three.

LUNCH: 12:45pm, almond butter & grape jelly on whole wheat, momma salad, health salad, 7oz diet coke, 710 cal

BIKE SNACK: 5:45pm, beef jerky, cheezits, 370 cal

DINNER: 8:15pm, Stouffers French Bread pizzas, poppa salad, 960 cal

When I got home, just did not feel like cooking, so I guess this is the equivalent of fast food at home. Hmmmm. Fast food at home.

EVENING SNACK: 8:30pm, Fritos, 300 cal

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, cheesy poofs, 300 cal

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WEDNESDAY COUNT: 1960

Good eating day. Seems when I stick hardcore to lean protein/veg/legume combo, it's very filling and easier to stay below budget.

AM SNACK: 7:45am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:45am, fruit smoothie, 375 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, mahi mahi, channa masala, roasted asparagus, momma salad, water, 585 cal

Did 2 pieces of fish, only ate one - surprised how caloric the mahi is. Will do one piece next time. Hopefully it won't go too funky in the fridge.

PM SNACK: 4pm, apple/carrot/beet/kale/ginger juice, 130 cal

DINNER: 8:15pm, mahi mahi, sofrito black beans, steamed string beans, poppa salad with miso tahini dressing, kimchi, 570 cal

I usually don't eat the same protein 2x in a row, but since I started with a new fish, I made too much and B wasn't going to eat it, so I thought it was economical to just eat it now. Miso dressing was good, but needs a kick, perhaps lemon and garlic in the next batch. Still, half the calories of my Italian dressing, so that ain't bad. Got a jar of Mother's kimchi, full strength with anchovies & beef broth in it, really good n' strong and very low cal. This was a surprisingly large amount of food -- 75 cal of steamed string beans near half a dinner plate, and while I intended to serve myself 250g of beans (200 cal), as I'm dishing it out I saw it was going to be too much so I stopped at 200g. Crazy, I was aiming for 800 cal and came in more than 25% under while eating a tasty, big-ass meal. Did miss the diet sprite, think I may have to bust out the carbonator to get in some bubbles.

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, fritos, 300 cal

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THURSDAY COUNT: 2005

Felt a bit down in the dumps this morning, so after frittering away a little time, decided to wallow after lifting. Upped the "dosage" to the next increment of weight and number of push ups, sit ups and pull up hangs and lowers. Indeed felt better after.

AM SNACK: 8am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:15am, steel cut oatmeal with butter, brown sugar, vanilla & salt, 250 cal

PM SNACK: 12:15pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, grilled chicken, black beans, broccoli, 640 cal

Again, made 2x two much chicken. When I did the count before eating, it was over 900. Looks like chicken fo' dinnah!

PM SNACK: 4pm, beef jerky, 160 cal

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, poppa salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 7:15pm, grilled chicken, lentils, health salad pickle,  525 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8:30pm, fritos & a piece of brown rice avocado sushi, +/-330 cal

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FRIDAY COUNT: 2515

No time to get home to juice before dinner, which might of helped with the sugar cravings that knocked me off the wagon around 11pm with M&Ms and ice cream. I rationalized it by counting it towards my Saturday free-day, though I suspect juicing and a splurge on a diet soda might have rerouted it.

AM SNACK: 8am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 10am, whole Fage with agave, vanilla and almonds, 310 cal

LUNCH: 1:15pm, chicken sausage, sauteed spinach, black beans, pickle, water, 630 cal

Tried to grill some leeks and failed, wrong temp, wrong cut, not enough lubricant. 

PM SNACK: 6pm, poppa salad with miso tahini dressing, 100 cal

DINNER: 6:30pm, mahi mahi, brussel sprouts & mushrooms, whole wheat cous cous, butternut squash soup, poppa salad, water,875 cal

Sabbath dinner with the whole family, sitting down n' talking. Diet Sprite really calling to me when I was ready to sit down, urg. Should of probably skipped the cous cous, as I felt really full after eating everything.

EVENING SNACK: 8pm, cheesy poofs, 300

EVENING SNACK: 8:30pm, Fritos, 300

Trying to squash the sugar ravings rising up in me...

Don't be a (diet) cokehead.

I recently checked out another documentary that proselytizes ideas on healthy diet via Netflix, Hungry for Change. Some of it was standard (eat more fruit and veg), some was easily dismissed as hooey (the detox theory), some was just strange (cilantro can flush the body of mercury?!). The one thing that caught my ear, however, was a short rant about diet sodas....

If I was in the food industry, what am I looking to do? I'm looking to sell you more food, that's what I want to do. How can I do that? I can manipulate the chemical structure oft here food so now it becomes fulfilling, but empty. But gives the impression when they very first ingest it, that it is the most fulfilling thing they ever had. Nothing else does it in your brain quite like a diet cola. That's because there is a deadly combination there of aspartame and caffeine and those two together create a very unique blend of "excitotoxin" that kills off brain cells, but before they die, they have this -oof- excitement like a buzz. So what you find with diet cola addicts is that they'll drink a liter, sometimes 2 liters a day and particularly women, do it as a way to keep their weight down. They don't eat, they just have the next buzz of diet colas.

The talking heads go on about formydahol formation in the brain, migraines, and cancers from aspartame, and dismiss the safety assurances of the FDA as being manipulated by industry -- all the studies used by the FDA in determining the safety of the substance was industry-funded, while independently funded studies showed great dangers and side effects over time. On top of that, the substance is shown to cause carbohydrate cravings. Studies show, according to the talking heads, those who drink diet sodas over time tend to be fatter in a few years.

This is news to me. I never heard the term "excitotoxin" before, but it's a real thing. Most of the scientific sources I tried to read are dense and don't seem to finger aspartame, and if they do speak of food the focus is on glutimates (hello, MSG!). Unsurprisingly, the aspartame industry dismisses excitotoxicity in its product as myth, but Snopes backs them up and a Wikipedia page about aspartame's controversy is rife with conspiracy theory and false science.

He didn't actually drink the pint, he is savoring it in his jowels. 

In my extensive study as a cohort of one, I definitely went through a mess of years where I downed liters and liters of diet coke per day. I may be stupider than I was then, but I'm certainly not riddled with migraines (never had one) or cancers (as of last check up). My dad was a hardcore diet coke addict since it was introduced to replace Tab in the early '80s, and when he died in the mid 2000s he too was cancer-free and migraine-free. I suspect the Hungry For Change movie features "experts" who may be digging into the nutritional field with a lot of new ideas and unexplored angles, but the science just ain't there yet. Yes, I'm going to add some parsley and cilantro to my juicing because it is very green and will add an interesting kick to the flavor of my juice, but not because I think it'll really flush mercury from my system.

Other than the obvious potential of caffiene, it's safe to say that diet cola is not addictive....as a substance. But as a behavior, it fits all too well into the modern conception of what an addiction can be. It gives the brain a reward, but....

In a 2008 study, for instance, women who drank water that was alternately sweetened with sugar and Splenda couldn't tell the difference -- but their brains could. Functional MRI (fMRI) brain scans revealed that even though both drinks lit up the brain's reward system, the sugar did so more completely.

"Your senses tell you there's something sweet that you're tasting, but your brain tells you, 'Actually, it's not as much of a reward as I expected,'" says Martin P. Paulus, MD, a professor of psychiatry at the University of California San Diego, and one of the authors of the study. "The consequence might be that the brain says, 'Well, I'll have more of this.'"

It's of no surprise to me that something like a diet soda or a sweet "sugar-free" candy just doesn't quite do the trick, but it does blunt the cravings. I think I may need to develop a "maintenance" program that will allow me to come down off of sugar once and for all. Plenty of sugar/heroine addicts replace their habits with sugar substitutes/methadone. It's still an addiction, but it's a bit less taxing on the system and more socially acceptable.

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Still a little surprised by the six-pound weight gain last month. I look in the mirror and I don't see a gain, I see a body that's on the way to becoming non-fatty. I've also steeled my resolve to kick the daily sugar fix in the evenings. It's the main source of calories last month that helped me stay high above my budget. Going to up my juicing from 2x a week to maybe 3/4x. Contemplating weighing myself once a week instead of once a month -- maybe that would have headed off a six pound 1 month gain?

Three days without sweets this past week, and Friday night was the worst. Had a hard time focusing, managed to squeak by within calorie budget. Realized I wasn't actually hungry, just having cravings. I think I'm going to approach sugar as I approach alcohol. Almost never consume it at home unless there are guests, and I'll consume it out when I'm with friends and the occasion calls for something special. Hmmmm, I have a wedding to go to Saturday, can I keep that as my only sweets for the whole weekend? Whoever says sugar ain't addicting be crazy.

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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2355

Nice to see an average close to budget. Too bad it had to be prompted by such a large monthly weight gain. Definitely upped my vegetable consumption and took a stab at reducing sugar. Hopefully it'll get easier.

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MONDAY COUNT: 2680

Felt oddly weak in the mornings weightlifting. Funny enough, my sore left shoulder did not stop me from doing much, but a strained forearm muscle in my right arm stop me from doing some concentration curls.

AM SNACK: 8:45am, iced green tea, 45 cal

BREAKFAST: 11:15am, steel cut oatmeal, 375 cal

PM SNACK: 12:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 2:30pm, teriyaki chicken meatballs, curry whole wheat cous cous, roasted asparagus, pickle, 7oz diet coke, 760 cal

Cooked up double the cous cous, but on the plate it looked like too much, and by the time I finished everything, had about half the cous cous left over. Huh.

DINNER: 6:30pm, sausage & peppers hero, house salad, ice cream bar, +/-900 cal

Popped out to the corner slice place for a quiet last meal of 2012. Salad came with 2oz of dressing, used only about 1/4 of that, left behind the bread that came with it. Sandwich was OK, something I never really eat, but nice to change up from the fried breadiness of eggplant.

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, chocolate chips & peanuts, +/- 500 cal

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TUESDAY COUNT: 2245

New Year's Day. Weighed in, surprised to have gained 6 pounds. Happy New Year, bleah. Did avoid an evening snack through force of will...

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, fruit smoothie, 375 cal

PM SNACK: noon, momma salad, 80 cal

Just carrots and cuce, as Edie snatched all the red pepper.

LUNCH: 3:30pm, chicken sausage, cous cous, string beans, 590 cal

DINNER: 5:30pm, cheese tortellini, broccoli, chocolate chip cookies & ice cream, 1 glass wine, +/- 1200 cal

Out at a friend's house for a nice family dinner.

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WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2350

Got hungry a lot during the day, but never too far from a snack or meal. For some reason I was hoping an 8pm burger would have been enough for the day, but got super hungry in the evening. Avoided chocolate for the 1st day in quite a while with a satisfying (but with in budget) bowl of popcorn popped in butter.

AM SNACK: 8:15am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 11am, Greek yogurt with agave, almonds and vanilla, 430 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, ham on whole wheat with mustard, roasted broccoli, 7oz diet coke, 435 cal

Not particularly hungry, but schedule would have forced me to eat out if I delayed.

PM SNACK: 3:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

PM SNACK: 5pm, apple/carrot/kale/cucumber/beet/ginger juice, 145 cal

Found myself home and too hungry, this was an easy quick snack before heading out again. Cucumber was a nice taste to crowd out the kale and beet...

DINNER: 8pm, double quarter pounder, 12oz diet coke, 750 cal

EVENING SNACK: 10:45pm, popcorn, 7oz diet sprite, 440 cal

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THURSDAY COUNT: 2145

A rare day that I've come in under budget for real, without any side-bites or nuthin'. Second day of no chocolate. Feel like I'm on a carousel of hunger -- constantly hungry, but when the hunger starts to bother me, I eat something. Worked out in the morning, trip to Costco in the afternoon.

AM SNACK: 7:45am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, steel cut oatmeal, 375 cal

PM SNACK: 12:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 2pm, jerk chicken patty, vegetable patty, 740 cal

PM SNACK: 6:30pm, apple/carrot/kale/cucumber/beet/ginger juice, 150 cal

DINNER: 7:30pm, shrimp, roasted brussel sprouts, madras lentils and brown rice mix, 7oz diet coke, 610 cal

Got some packets of microwaveable lentils at Costco. Not bad, not good, but healthy way to make the grains I regularly cook a little more interesting. Gonna try to make it for real.

EVENING SNACK: 8:30pm, beef jerky, 120 cal

Really need a new snack that satisfies, but isn't just high-calorie sugar n' fat like chocolate & peanuts. Bought a bag of generic jerky at Costco. Despite the brown sugar rub used in it's manufacture, it's actually reasonably real compared to other mass-manufactured jerkys on the market. All the ingredients are recognizable!

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FRIDAY COUNT: 2355

Woke up a bit sore from yesterday's work out. Monday I was a bit draggy and weak, so I hit it a little harder yesterday. Both shoulder and forearm are A-OK.  Made butternut squash soup (surprisingly low cal, though it shouldn't be a surprise...) and Spanish-braised lentils out of the "How to Cook Everything Vegetarian" cookbook. Easy to make, but fneh tasting -- the notes in the book indicate that red lentils are more tender and are used in Indian cooking, while the standard green lentils are what I used. Now determined how to make proper dal, and use it as a proteiny condiment for my regular grain consumption during the week. 

AM SNACK: 8am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10am, heritage Os with whole milk, banana, 385 cal

PM SNACK: noon, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 2pm, 1 Stouffer's French bread pizza, madras lentils, roasted brocolli, pickle, 7oz diet coke, 670 cal

Two pizzas outta the box are 860 cal. Swapped one out for some healthy leftovers that probably would have gotten trashed anyway.

DINNER: 6:30pm, grilled chicken breast, Spanish lentils, butternut squash soup, 14oz diet sprite, 620 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8:15pm, cheeseits and almond butter, 410 cal

Sugar choco cravings like mad.

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, beef jerky, 120 cal

Uggg. So hungry. Actually, NOT hungry. Just want sugar.

Might as well face it, you're addicted to food.

I'm not a lazy fat slob with no ambition, I'm an addict. A delicious, round, saucy addict!

Addiction has been on my mind lately. Some chump just got busted for posting stolen nude pics of Scarlett Johansonn hacked from her phone, and he's claiming an "addiction" to stalking famous people. If something like invading the privacy of celebrities and publicizing their private moments can be "addicting", then what, exactly, is addiction? The Webster Dictionary says bullsh@t:

a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

If it ain't a drug, it ain't addicting. In my life, two substances come to mind that have the heavy lure of addiction have crossed my path. 

1. About a year ago, I suffered through some kidney stones and when the doctor gave me that morphine drip, in the space of a couple of minutes I went from the worst pain I've ever suffered in my life to gently floating above the gurney, looking for shapes in the water stains of the ER's drop-ceiling like they were cumulus clouds on a summer day. I was sent home with oxycodones (a.k.a. "hillbilly heroine"), but unlike the morphine, they made me sleepy and I felt drained when I woke up. With the morphine, I was incredibly high and the landing was extremely soft and gentle -- when the drip came out, within a few minutes I was straight again, and outside of a sore back, the worst of the pain had passed. Still, whenever I walk past Tompkins Square and see the desperate heroine addicts huddled in the south west corner of the park, I kind of understand a little what they are about. I have a family, home and friends to keep me tethered (as well as a healthy fear of needles), but if I was a total f-up and my life was empty of love and warmth, that morphine cloud could be a place I'd dream about. Could I be a morphine addict from just one brief, medically necessary and legal exposure?
2. The other addictive substance I've experienced in my life I discussed a little bit in this forum: diet coke. As wrote in that entry, I was slamming upwards of 3/4 of a gallon of the dark fizzy stuff every day, from the moment I woke up to hours before bed. It must have been a simple caffeine addiction, the same ingredient that drives people to down tons of coffee, and other than the theory that people get fat on diet sodas because they use it as an excuse to eat poorly in the rest of their diet, I didn't really give it any deeper thought. Hey, I was trying to crank out an entry 5 days a week, it doesn't lend itself to deep thought.

In the course of this blog, I've spent a few weeks looking at sugar,  and but somehow avoided specifically addressing it's addictive qualities, though I made jokes about it here and there. I mean, sugar, come on, how could something so common and celebrated and kid-friendly and natural be addictive?

Addiction is a persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance. The term has been partially replaced by the word dependence for substance abuse. Addiction has been extended, however, to include mood-altering behaviors or activities. Some researchers speak of two types of addictions: substance addictions (for example, alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking); and process addictions (for example, gambling, spending, shopping, eating, and sexual activity). There is a growing recognition that many addicts, such as polydrug abusers, are addicted to more than one substance or process. 

Behavior?! Activities?! Anything could be addictive! Combine the social behavior of eating and sharing delicious food with the physiological pleasure of meeting the body's demand for simple carbs and the common celebration of the innocence of sweets, and....ugg! Though Webster's definition reflects the old way of looking at addiction, the DSM has recently redefined and expanded the idea of addiction to cover just about anything potentially enjoyable: "just about any deeply pleasurable activity — sex, eating, Internet use — has the potential to become addictive and destructive."

My lurking fondness for morphine I understand -- it is a raw physical yearning that sits outside of me in a way. However, looking back at my mindlessness in diet coke and some other habits (dietary and non) I've had in my life, it's a little jarring to sit here and honestly ask myself, "Am I an addict?" and the word "NO" not immediately coming to mind.

Next week is the the holidays, and I'll be weighing in. The week after, some research and thought into the possibility of being addicted to diet coke for reasons other than caffeine.

The fashion industry, forever keepin' it classy.

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Being an at leisure researcher who is only "publishing" is this blog, I took it upon myself to dig into Netflix for "food addiction", and low and behold, TLC has a show called Freaky Eaters. Each of the 14 episodes on Netflix has subtitles like "Addicted to Pizza" or "Addicted to Sugar". The bottom line is the subjects of these episodes all have certain repetitive food habits that are interfering with their health, as well as their personal relationships and professional lives. Being a cheesy TLC show, everything is  dug up, analyzed, diagnosed and wrapped up with a clear path to recovery in the space of 22 minutes, with a visual "shock therapy" segment thrown in as well. After watching three episodes, I didn't really need to watch a 4th, as they only addressed emotional and psychological aspects of food addiction, never the actual physiological possibility of addiction, and seemed pretty rote and formulaic.

Except on the cheeseburger episode, one bit really got me. This dude was eating cheeseburgers (no lettuce or tomato, nothing but plain cheese burgers and soda) for three meals a day since he was five years old. He's now married with two little kids like me, but he's too fat and tired and sick to play with his kids. His wife has gone to culinary school and likes to cook a variety of healthy foods every day, but when he comes home for dinner, he picks at his food and sets a bad example for his kids. He regularly eats burgers before he gets home and hides the fact from his wife. When the show turns and he reveals to his poor wife that he had been scarfing cheeseburgers behind her back (and against the advice of his doctors as he has diabetes and an enlarged heart), she feels betrayed and unvalued and scared for her husband, and expresses fear that while she is there to help, unless he helps himself, she doesn't know whether the whole family thing is gonna work out. A little sliver of real drama and honesty in an otherwise manufactured 21 minutes.
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I find it easiest to keep close to calorie budget on Mondays, probably because of carry over satiety from free-feeding on the weekends. However, this past Monday, desire to eat gripped me after the final meal of the day, and I went off the reservation a little bit. As I was eating I was thinking, nah, don't need to record this, but the next morning, I realized it's just lying to myself if I don't at least pause to consider what's going on -- don't need to beat myself up, but don't play like if I don't think, it didn't happen.

I ate reasonably well on Sunday, so I should have eaten heavier in the morning. Due to chores and busy stuff, I didn't get a proper breakfast in until close to noon, and lunch was unsatisfying due to an avocado on the edge of rot. Tamped down hunger in the early evening with juice while I fed my kids, and dinner was bulked up with....baked potatoes, a high-glycemic food. Funny, during the afternoon, I was putting dinner together in my head, dismissing different starch options -- quinoa, Israeli cous cous, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, but potatoes seemed very appealing, as I don't have them that often. 

And the potatoes were delicious, and....unsatisfying. I had Xmas cookies in the pocket of my jacket, given to me just minutes ago, and after I finished my 780 calorie meal, I immediately felt compelled to eat the cookies. Oy. I knew then I was over my budget, on a Monday no less. But a couple of hours later, while watching TV, I reverted to an old habit of just eating to satisfy a jones. It wasn't hunger, but more like a desire for carbs. 

I guess the combination of too few calories in the morning and then priming the pump with potatoes then cookies in the evening lead me to a high-calorie day. Rather than feel guilty about it and suppress it, I actually feel a little better having thought it through here. Though if you've read this far, the belly-button gazing must be excruciating!

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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2812

Much hungrier than usual this week. It took serious self-observation and thought, but I can confidently say that the reason for this increase in daily consumption is NOT due to:

1. a lack of control
2. seasonal depression
3. losing focus on my diet

What I've been experiencing is a real increase in appetite, in hunger. I'm not quite sure why. On Monday, I thought maybe it was an imbalance in my carb-intake, but as the rest of the week rolled through, it wasn't just that.  Looking at my diet and recent changes, it could possibly be related to:

1. adding fresh juice to my diet
2. winter and colder weather settling in

I really don't know. I need to think more about addiction, and diet soda, but I'll be researching physiological hunger and reporting back to you in a few weeks...

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MONDAY COUNT: 3240

Got the new handle for the weights on Friday, had a nice full work out this morning.

AM SNACK: 7:30am, iced green tea, 50 cal

AM SNACK: 9:30am, banana, 100 cal

BREAKFAST: 11:45am, steel cut oatmeal, 375 cal

Only had a half cup dry left, so only made one portion.

LUNCH: 1:45pm, sardine & avocado on whole wheat toast, momma salad, 7oz diet coke, 630 cal

PM SNACK: 6:45pm, apple/carrot/ginger/beet/kale/celery/cucumber juice, 305 cal

DINNER: 7:15pm, chicken sausage, steamed string beans, baked potatoes and butter, 7oz diet sprite, 2 cookies, 1080

Two Xmas cookies with wonderful butter cream frosting jumped into my mouth at the end of the meal, given to us by a family friend. They were store bought, but tasted really good, and had nutritional labels that surprise me -- 150 cal for each of the rather small cookies!

EVENING PIG OUT: 9-10pm, chocolate chips & peanuts, bowl of rice crispies & milk, bowl of corn flakes & milk, +/-700 cal

Ugg. See notes above. Looking at it now, these snacks weren't like, say, eating a whole box of Entemann's chocolate chip cookies (2000+ cal), but it's on the spectrum...

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TUESDAY COUNT: 2790

Another healthy but heavy eating day. Was watching myself closely, monitoring what I was feeling, and I have to admit, I was just hungry, not just craving sweets, but hungry-hungry. As much as I want to lose weight and keep to my budget, I also want to be comfortable and sane.

AM SNACK: 7:30am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:45am, fruit smoothie, 400 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, double quarter pounder, small diet coke, 750 cal

PM SNACK: 3:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 8pm, whole wheat pasta in sauce and parm with turkey meatballs and roasted brussel sprouts, pickle, 7oz diet sprite, 1160 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, dark chocolate chips & peanuts, 330 cal

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WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2700

Not a typical day, had a funeral to attend in the morning then get myself to school for the final meal of the semester. Had McD's for a second day in a row, out of convenience. Bleah. So hungry by lunchtime, my hunger this week is definitely something new.

AM SNACK: 7:45am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, kolon bloe with whole milk, 300 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, double quarter pounder, "children's size" diet coke, 750 cal

SCHOOL DINNER: 6:45pm, sausage lasagna, shrimp scampi, brownie, full-sugar sprite, +/- 1200 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, green salad with dressing, +/- 100 cal

There was a lame iceberg lettuce diner salad in the fridge barely touched, made me realize I ate no vegetables today, and it actually felt kinda...gross. A shot of Italian dressing livened up this otherwise prosaic salad. Is this the kind of salad most people experience? No wonder people don't dig vegetables. Diner salad needs a serious re-do.

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, brownie, +/-300 cal

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THURSDAY COUNT: 2760

Since I only made a half-pot of oats on Monday, had none for breakfast today. I had fresh juice for breakfast, which reminded me of the first "diet" book I ever read, Fit for Life (and the inspiration for getting my first juicer.) It's thing was separating sugar and carbs from proteins and fats, and until noon, one was to continue "resting" the body by only taking in juice until lunch, which would be a low-carb fiesta. I should re-read that book, now that I'm a bit more educated...

AM SNACK: 7:15am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10am, apple/carrot/beet/kale/ginger juice, 250 cal

PM SNACK: 11:30am, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, chicken sausage, roasted broccoli, millet, 7oz diet coke, 930 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, ten pork & chive dumplings, +/- 330 cal

Again, hungrier than I should be, so picked these up locally, wanted a snack that was heavy on protein and fat and light on carbs...

DINNER: 7pm, hijiki tofu patty with large spinach salad, water, +/- 500 cal

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, dark chcoolate chips and peanuts, +/- 300 cal

EVENING SNACK: 11pm, whole wheat toast with hummus, +/- 300 cal

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FRIDAY COUNT: 2570

Well, I know I didn't over-eat or lose control yesterday because I woke up with an appetite.

AM SNACK: 9:15am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10am, Greek yogurt with slivered almonds, agave & vanilla, 450 cal

Agave has a much lower glycemic index than honey, and between limiting the load (only one tablespoon) and combining it with a super-low glycemic food like yogurt and nuts, it's really nuthin'. It's not as screamingly sweet as honey, but in this application doesn't need to be.

PM SNACK: 12:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 1:45pm, broiled sole, millet, roasted asparagus, pickle, 7oz diet coke, 620 cal

DINNER: 6pm, eggplant hero, garden salad, french fries, 7oz diet sprite, +/- 900 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, dark chocolate chips & peanuts, +/- 400 cal