Step 2 this

Why do I think of things not related to food when I see this?

I have an odd relationship to yoga. It never really registered on my radar until my friend, the Hungry Vegan Society, started getting heavily involved in yoga's practice and culture. Even before I knew she was that heavy in to yoga, I did notice a change in her. She was happier, gentler, nicer, lighter -- that is a lot of foofy words, but I didn't have the language to put my finger on it then, either. That is not to say that she wasn't already a wonderful, rich person to begin with, but she was....changing.

The HVS never tried to recruit me into the ranks of her fellow yogic vegan happy people, but she left the door open without judgement of my non-stretchy, meat-indulging stressy self. At first we attended a few beginner's classes together, later I sometimes would attend classes she would lead as she grew more advanced. One of the things that always slightly bothered me (other than contorting out of my physical comfort zone) was the more mystical, spiritual aspects of the practice. Chanting "om" and the explanation of togetherness-vibrations, making connections between the positions, parts of the body, and aspects of internal emotions and issues, it all seemed a bit... suspicious. When are they gonna bust out the Jesus and ask me for my life savings?

Jesus needs to pay a graphic designer, and lose the pedo-vibe copy.

In the end, I have found that I enjoy the HVS more than I enjoy yoga, but the two together are such an awesome combo. Even though the only time I get to hang with her in recent years is around a yoga class, it's great. On top of that, I guess the exposure to this  easy-to-dismiss talk of "spirituality" also planted a seed. Do back bends open ourselves up to the future? I don't know about that, but making that "spiritual" connection between action and emotion, between external physicality and internal turmoil -  its a powerful idea.

I've been thinking a lot of this notion as I've attended a few Overeaters Anonymous meetings in the last few weeks. OA is not Weight Watchers or a diet plan or a tool to simply lose weight. From my limited experience, I gather it is a non-professional (i.e. no therapists, no dietitians etc) mutual support group that aims to help it's members end compulsive behavior. It hinges on some self-help literature written in the 1930s that stresses the need to connect to others to help overcome addiction, whether it be alcohol, drugs, food or any other compulsive behavior that one wishes to stop, but can not otherwise.

The leaders of the meetings I've attended all stressed that OA is "spiritual" in nature, not religious. What does that mean? There is a lot of talk of a "higher power", which sets off my alarm bells. Is this the "come to Jesus" moment? It was explained to me that yes, "higher power" can be God for those who believe, but it can be anything that fits two criteria. One, it is larger than yourself, and two, it can be called upon in your internal struggle to inspire you to stop doing whatever addictive thing that is hurting you. Common examples given were "the group", "my teachers" and "love". Huh, gettin' kinda yogic all up in thurrrr.

We are not people smoking a joint, we are joints smoked by people. Think about it.

But maybe we're getting ahead of ourselves. OA comes at food with a very direct, simple idea: Unlike drugs and alcohol, one can not abstain and live with out it. Therefore, food must be approached as a source of fuel, not something to party with.

Wait a second, I love food! I love cooking good food and savoring it! But as I thought more about it, I remembered a few months ago I was at a birthday party for a friend of my 4 year old daughter, in a confined space, and it was loud and raucous. Lots of good food was on offer during the party, but it was when the cake and ice cream came out, all the kids gathered to sing happy birthday, the cake and ice cream was distributed and then.....silence. Everyone was sitting, focused on the food in front of them, adults and kids alike. Even though there was other great food at this event, it was this high sugar, high fat snack that defined the party, that calmed otherwise wild children, and soon would send them spinning off into higher levels of sugar-energy. This is normal?

So it's not about abstaining from food, but about abstaining from the compulsive eating or compulsive over eating of food. In these meetings, members told stories of how they obsess about eating 10 to 12 meals a day, others discuss how they could not stop until the entire half gallon of ice cream was gone. I'm not going to go into those stories here, as the meetings are, well, anonymous. And it's anonymous for a very good reason -- it's a place to reveal and discuss behaviors that would otherwise be looked at with shame, pity, anger or disgust in other settings, and it's important to know there will be no gossip or blow back from being open and honest.

How great would have this show been if it was all about addicts talkin' smack about each other? Maybe it was, I never saw it. Was it?

It makes one wonder how those "celebrities" on TV going through rehab are really benefiting from putting all their crap out there between commercials, when what they need is to be unjudged so they can get a handle on their bad behavior. I have discovered a podcast, however, of real non-celebrity people telling their stories, similar to the stories you might hear at an OA, or any 12 step meeting. You can search their library for just OA, though they interview all sorts of addicts, and it's all pretty riveting in the way reality TV was supposed to be before it became totally fake and scripted.

I don't think I'm going to write about OA again, though I think for the time being I'm going to continue to explore meetings. I haven't quite drunk the koolaide yet, but nothing I've heard makes me think it could hurt me anymore than I've already hurt myself with years of over eating and lack of thought about what I was doing to myself. All the bad habits that I've compressed into the weekends have allowed me to lose weight, but it's sitting there, a fat little weasel, just waiting for when my guard is down to come back out and do some serious partying with more than just cake. (Like ice cream! And brownies! And big bowls of pasta! And fries, and bread, and fried bread!)

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Oddly enough, food addiction got a small spot light in the media this week because one of the horrible dummies from some dumb morning gossip program wrote a book about her struggles. Funny, I see her using some 12 step language, but she kinda skirts that topic, as she is supposed to, because the 1st rule of 12 step is you don't talk about 12 step. Well, rule of media relations, anyway. I gotta skim her book in a store, to see if she goes there at all.
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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2366

A relatively decent eating week, though I did fall off late Friday, unrecorded as it is rationalized by "oh, it's just part of the weekend." Thinking of instituting some sort of "weekend report", to hold myself accountable for all my eating. Just think readers, now you'll be able to read about my eating all seven days a week! 

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MONDAY COUNT: 2300

AM SNACK: 3:30am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 7am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/ginger/cayenne/cucumber juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10:30am, steel cut oatmeal, 350 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, peanut butter and grape jelly on whole wheat, health salad, 590 cal

PM SNACK: 4 pm, momma salad, babganoush, 200 cal

PM SNACK: 5:30pm, poppa salad with miso tahini, 100 cal

DINNER: 8:30pm, shirataki noodles with shrimp, mushrooms, butter and dried herbs,  600

EVENING SNACK: 8:45pm, Frito's, 300 cal

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BIKE CREDIT: 750
TUESDAY COUNT: 2110

Up at 3am, out to Coney. Caffeinated granola bar helped, but not as dramatically as last week. Also, last week I was running on the fumes of almost no sleep, this time I had 6 hours in. 

AM SNACK: 3:15am, caffeinated granola bar, iced green tea, 350 cal

BREAKFAST: 7am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/ginger/cayenne/cucumber juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 9:30am, Fage yogurt with agave, vanilla, almonds, 310

LUNCH: 1pm, chicken meatballs, steamed string beans, spinach daal, pickles, 580 cal

PM SNACK: 4 pm, momma salad, babganoush, 200 cal

DINNER: 7pm, Subway veggie burger 6" hero, chips, 12oz diet coke, 760 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9:45pm, Frito's, 300 cal

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WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2605

Still felt honestly hungry a full 30 minutes after the Fritos, so I allowed myself that extra indulgence.

AM SNACK: 6am,  iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 7:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/ginger/cayenne/cucumber juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 9:30am, steel cut oatmeal, 350


LUNCH: 1pm, chicken sausage, roasted broccoli, sofrito black beans, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 4 pm, momma salad, hummus, 180 cal

PM SNACK: 5:30pm, poppa salad, miso tahini, 100 cal


DINNER: 7:15pm, hake loin, whole wheat cous cous, roasted asparagus, boiled corn with butter, kimchi, 765

EVENING SNACK: 8pm, Frito's, 300 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8:30pm, Cheeto's, 300 cal

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THURSDAY COUNT: 2435

Nice dinner out with B. Made me crave....an accurate calorie count. But it was a nice place without a bottomless bread basket, and we skipped booze and dessert, so I think I did OK.

AM SNACK: 6:15am,  iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 7:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/ginger/cayenne/cucumber juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 9:30am, Fage yogurt with agave, vanilla, almonds, 310 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, sardine & avocado on whole wheat toast, health salad, 575 cal

PM SNACK: 4 pm, momma salad, hummus, 180 cal

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, poppa salad, miso tahini, 100 cal

DINNER: 6:45pm, skirt steak, string beans, Yeminite tart, crispy chippy things, water, +/- 800 cal
Out at Babooshka with the wifey. We fortunately resisted dessert, 

EVENING SNACK: 8:15pm, Frito's, 300 cal

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FRIDAY COUNT: 2380

Electrical work in the office over the weekend, office manager commanding us to eat all the ice cream in the freezer. Uggggg.

AM SNACK: 4:30am,  iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 7:45am, fruit smoothie, 410 cal

LUNCH: 1:15pm, quarter pounder, 16oz diet cherry coke, 540 cal

PM SNACK: 3:30 pm, momma salad, hummus, 180 cal

PM SNACK: 4:30pm, poppa salad, home made Italian dressing, 150 cal

DINNER: 6:45pm, challah grilled cheese, corn on the cobb, +/- 800 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8:15pm, Frito's, 300 cal  

Addiction, shmafliction?

Is it addiction if it's so delicious?

No sane person would deny that addiction is real (sit down, Tom Cruise!)-  In fact, the D.S.M. (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), the resource of the medical community that standardizes diagnosis, expanded the definition of what addiction is: addiction can be physical, but it can also be behavioral.

I've covered this topic here before, but I didn't really say much other than, "this is a thing." When I blogged a whole week about sugar, I scoffed at the Sugar Industry for sweeping the sugar-is-addictive idea under the carpet. I was approaching it like sugar was another white powder, like cocaine and heroine, and I don't think I was totally wrong in that -- alcohol is just a super-simple sugar that revs up certain biological pathways that gives a sense of euphoria and intoxication. So does sugar -- just ask any sugar-mad 4 year old. However, I think I missed the elephant in the room.

Elie knew she was the elephant in the room, so she decided she might as well be faaaabulous about it.

Sugar addiction is a form of food addiction. And it's easy to scoff at: how can you be addicted to something you need to simply survive? Why not be addicted to breathing? Addicted to water? To that, I simply say: What if you compulsively made yourself hyperventilate because it made you feel better? What if you felt the urge to drink 10 gallons of water a day, regardless of the 14 hours a day you spent peeing, or you won't feel right? Sure, air and water are not physically addicting, but if something causes the brain wiring to give these things the power to excite and intoxicate, or simply to relieve a perceived negative feeling or emotion, then yes, air and water can be addicting. I don't know if there are any elemental addicts out in the world (pyromaniacs and pica sauveurs aside) and I can feel certain in saying their problems are not primarily physical or common.

Even the elemental addict's support group thought air-heads were beyond the pale. 

The can o' worms that the D.S.M. opens is: not only can any behavior be seen as addictive, but all sorts of horrible behavior can be excused as merely an addiction. Was Mitt Romney addicted to being an elitist a-hole? Was Hitler addicted to killing Jews? I'm going to guess, "No, they were not addicts, just horrible people" but I also think the foundation of the question is misleading. The D.S.M. is not redefining addiction to be able to excuse behaviors: it is redefining addiction so as to have a framework to treat and cure it.

Which leads me and this blog to an important question: how does one define, treat and cure a food addict? I immediately think of heroine, and I think of the methadone clinics where zombified scraggly people go in and out at all times of the day near the office I once worked in in the East Village. I think of Lindsay Lohan being forced into rehab lock-up. And I think of the great cliche of addiction recovery from too many movies to count: the 12 step meeting and AA.

Upon doing a little research about Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 step "fellowships", I see they have one big problem that keeps them a bit stigmatized and under reported:

• they don't proselytize and they don't recruit, 
• they're strictly non-profit, and 
• their internal code is written so that any recruiting or profit making is strictly verboten. 

There is a huge industry set up to sell us books, diet foods, gym memberships, pills and equipment to help us deal with the results of our behavior with food, so it certainly is in no one's financial interest other than the individual to try to think about being overweight and unhealthy as an addiction rather than a personal choice.

The 1st rule of 12 step is you don't talk about 12 step. Moobs.

Alcoholics Anonymous is the original and the biggest, but for years before the D.S.M. even expanded their definition, the 12 Step method was being applied to every potentially addictive behavior under the sun: of course there is Cocaine Anonymous, Heroine Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous, even Marijuana Anonymous, but dig a little further and there will be Sex Anonymous, Emotions Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous, Under Earners Anonymous, Clutterers Anonymous, and on and on. And then there is food.

I'm a fan of food, and as a graduate of culinary school and as a person who enjoys eating exciting things in NYC, its no surprise that there is not just one flavor of food addiction. I'm sure I missed a lot, but I sketched out four versions of 12 Step for food:

1. Over Eaters Anonymous: The mothership, the one that covers everyone. You are on your own to make up your own food plan.
2. Compulsive Eaters Anonymous: Like OA, but every day's eating is planned and measured. Hmmmm, sound familiar? 
3. Food Addicts Anonymous: A step further than CA: on top of the planning and measuring, physically addictive food is not permitted. This covers sugar, flour and what among other things, and the meal plan includes "metabolic adjustments", snacks to keep blood sugar regular.
4. Grey Sheeters Anonymous: Makes FA look like a bunch o' poofs. You give up all control over food choices. You only eat three meals a day, weighed and measured, as indicated in a meal plan given to you by your sponsor (another member of the fellowship personally responsible for your well being.)

I wonder -- by pushing all my bad eating habits from a 7-day a week marathon down into a 1 to 2 day a week off-blog eating-fest that occasionally uncomfortably looks like binging, am I dealing with an addiction? Sure, I just lost 40 lbs, but if my 1 to 2 days of bad eating were to retake the rest of my week again, I'd go back to exactly as I was. Not only is that frightening to my very core, that's nuts!!

Next week is the monthly weigh in. Gonna do more research on OA, and get back atcha in 2 weeks about what Over Eaters Anonymous is about. If you find me on the street wearing a robe and offering you free vegan food, WATCH OUT IT'S A CULT!! Or I've become a hairy hari krishna, whatever.

Hari krishnas or a local OA group? Find out in 2 weeks...

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Is Anthony Weiner an addict?

Mr. Weiner said on Thursday that he was still seeking professional help for his online behavior, and that he did not believe he had an addiction.

Hmmm. There is a compulsive behavior that is performed regardless of cost to family, wife, children or career. When he is caught and suffers fast and large consequences (resignation from Congress, public shaming, a humiliated wife whose just about to give birth), he continues his compulsive behavior, regardless of consequence or personal convictions. Riiight, no addiction there.

I guess as a politician, to identify oneself as an addict would be a guarantee of never holding elected off again, especially one of these new-fangled 'behaviorial' addictions rather than the physical (coke-head President Bush, anyone?) WA, Weiners Anonymous. I'm Carlos Danger, and I approve this message.

To be clear, I'm not excusing Wiener's behavior. In fact, if it were not for his behavior, he would have had my vote. But on a human level, perhaps treating his behavior as something other than a failure of character might be more useful than throwing him in the garbage.

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No "pants on the ground!" f'me.

I was consistently on the last loop of my "new belt". It was still holding my pants up well-enough, but the leather wang that I had to tuck in every damn time was becoming annoying. The new one is snug, but I bought it small, as the last one stretched by a couple of loops anyway. I'm amazed that when I look in the mirror, I don't see anything different, though the lengths of these three belts tell an undeniable truth -- I weigh less than I did a year ago.

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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2311

The previous week was overspilling with work, but as the event my team was working up to involved everyone but me goin' to Texas, the following week was off. So I filled this week with productive things, and tried not to eat too wildly. I actually ate wildly twice (Wednesday & Thursday), but both with good reasons.

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MONDAY COUNT: 2205

One of the best eating days up to this point. Due to correctly eating during and after my 150 mile ride yesterday, I felt pretty good today -- too sore to lift weights, but energized enough to feel normal and not desire food more than usual. Also, I'm thinking of moving my juicing from late afternoon/early evening to another part of early breakfast, pairing it with iced green tea, a few hours before a solid food breakfast.

AM SNACK: 4:45am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/ginger/cayenne/cucumber juice, 150 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11am, fage whole yogurt with almonds, vanilla and agave, 310 cal

LUNCH: 1:15pm, sardine and avocado on whole wheat toast, roasted brussel sprouts, kimchi, 725 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, momma salad, seaweed sheets, 200 cal

PM SNACK: 8:15pm, poppa salad with miso tahini, 100 cal

DINNER: 9pm, stir fry with shrinp, broc, snow peas, shitakes, shirataki noodles and black bean sauce, 420 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9:30pm, fritos, 300 cal

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TUESDAY COUNT: 2255

 Good eating day, despite the fact having to eat fast food when I realized I was out, getting too hungry, and would not be home for another few hours.

AM SNACK: 5am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 7:30am, apple/beet//carrot/ginger/cayenne/cucumber juice, 135 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 9am, steel cut oatmeal, 250 cal

LUNCH: 2pm, almond butter and grape jelly on whole wheat momma salad, 590 cal

PM SNACK: 4:30pm, beef jerky, 120 cal

PM SNACK: 5:45pm, poppa salad with miso tahini, 100 cal

DINNER: 7:15pm, 6" veggie burger sub, potato chips, 16 oz diet coke, 760 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9:30pm, fritos, 300 cal

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WEDNESDAY COUNT: --------

I'm gonna play the "c-card" here. I loaded up on healthy food in the morning, because all afternoon I spent with a dear old friend who is dealing with cancer. Over 20 years, our thing is to really enjoy the hell out of food, and this afternoon she had appetite, I had time away from work and family, and we went to town old-school style. Suffice to say, we each inhaled 1000s of calories, but I purposefully allowed myself permission to fully enjoy my time with her and our shared affection for food. In the evening I surprisingly found myself hungry and ate a few more things, because what-the-hey, this day is toast, but I had confidence that the next day I would return to sanity.

AM SNACK: 5:15am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 8am, fruit smoothie, 410 cal

AM SNACK: 10:30am, momma salad, 100 cal

AM SNACK: 11:15am, apple/beet//carrot/ginger/cayenne/cucumber juice, 130 cal

REST OF DAY: day long gorging with a good friend

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BIKE CREDIT: 2385

THURSDAY COUNT: 2250

Road 85 miles up into Putnam County, kept it pretty strict. New granola bars I cooked earlier this week are dosed with caffeine -- holy crap, two of them made me jittery and speed-strong, I gotta make another batch with out caffeine so I don't eat two of these in a row again.

AM SNACK: 5:30am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BIKE SNACK: 9:15am, granola bar, 315 cal

BIKE SNACK: 11am, granola bar, 390 cal

BIKE SNACK: 1pm, granola bar, 390 cal

BIKE SNACK: 3pm, digestive cookies, 520 cal

BIKE SNACK: 5pm, peanut M&Ms, 660 cal

DINNER: 7:45pm, shio ramen, ebi shumai, water, +/- 900 cal

DINNER 2: 11pm, Stouffer's French bread pizza, 860 cal

EVENING SNACK: 11:15pm, Fritos, 300 cal

EVENING SNACK: 11:30pm, Cheetos, 300 cal

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FRIDAY COUNT: 2535

Damn, I woke up a whole new kind of bike-sore. Not too hungry, but my legs were rubberized and my back and sides felt punchy. This is good, this is how the biking improves.

AM SNACK: 5:30am, iced green tea, 0 cal

AM SNACK: 6:30am, apple/beet//carrot/ginger/cayenne/cucumber juice, 145 cal

BREAKFAST: 8:30am, fage whole yogurt with almonds, vanilla and agave, 310 cal

LUNCH: 12:15pm, sauteed chicken breast, roasted broccoli, freshly made babaganoush on whole wheat bread, pickles, poppa salad with homemade Italian dressing, 870 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, hot dog, 310 cal

DINNER: 7:30pm, tofu sushi plate, shrimp spring roll, dumplings, +/- 900 cal