Checking In With Mickey D

There's no going home again.

It's no secret that I'm a little fascinated by McDonalds -- it's a dinosaur of my youth that seems to be on the edge of a potential extinction event. My parents fed it to me as an occasional treat, and in the ensuing years they expanded...and expanded...and expanded, pretty much covering the globe, delivering identical Big Macs from NYC to London to China & Russia and beyond. In culinary school, I was taught the momentous scale of this achievement, not unlike Napoleon or Ghengis Khan assembling an army and a strategy that could create a globe-spanning empire. The food it produces had become secondary -- Ronald McDonald became more recognizable than Jesus, and growth seemed limitless.

Unfortunately, the Earth is a limited place and an empire based on a shitty burger will only go so far. But McDonalds is a corporation with the very best minds in the business, the best food scientists, the best marketers, so it's with anticipation that I wait to see what they're going to do to rise out of the tailspin of consecutive losses for the past few years now. Various trends locally and globally work against them. Between a back-lash to unhealthy food, a rising awareness of ecological issues, and the wants of a younger generation to customize because they are all special snowflakes, I thought McDonalds would make some industry-changing bold moves. Instead, they are...toasting their buns a little longer.

Some onlookers see the approach as the right one for the burger giant. “Small menu tweaks and promotions are indicative of the kind of turnaround plan they need,” said restaurant consultant Aaron Allen.
First, the chain has announced plans to toast its buns five seconds longer to make its sandwiches hotter.
Last week, an internal document revealed it would beef up its quarter pounder to weigh a quarter pound (4 ounces) after cooking, a significant bump up from the current 2.8-ounce cooked patty, according to CNBC. The changes seem to an effort to compete with other “better-burger” chains like Shake Shack and Five Guys that have been stealing customers.

A few months ago, McDonalds took to social media and produced a number of videos that showed how the food got made, trying to assure the population that it really wasn't "that bad", but it was pretty obvious corporate silliness. An ad campaign that aimed to 'spread the love' put it on the backs of poorly paid front-line labor to emotionally connect with random customers in quite a creepy way. It's not for nothing that fast-food unionization and the push for a living minimum-wage has started to snowball in response to such corporate machinations.

Yet the one thing they've been doing for years -- making the food healthier in small increments behind the scenes, like adding whole wheat to the muffin of the Egg McMuffin -- has remained unheralded because a) people think things that are healthier are less tasty and b) it's a sort of admission that their food has been previously unhealthy.

“Sure, the quality and nutrition needs to go way up — along with a hundred other things,” he said. But, more importantly, “you can never make it too fast or too convenient for consumers.”

Quality and nutrition? Phneh, whatever! Make it fast and convenient! Maybe the death of the dinosaur is writ large right here...

Emerging brands like Chipotle and Five Guys are literally and figuratively eating McDonald's lunch. Will tiny tweaks accumulate to push the needle, or see McDonalds do a long, slow fade-away. They used to open up stores every year -- now they are starting to close them. Further attempts at creating a meme with the kids, like a new, cool, sexy Hamburglar, seem more embarrassing than anything else.

This makes me hurt for my innocence lost.

In my mind, I see a complete rebrand, a complete reimagining of the menu, a huge investment in making McDonalds more like....Chipotle & Five Guys, going all in on a huge risk in destroying an empire that is only starting to lose it's grip on the world. But corporations and boards who answer to stock-holders who only want profits THIS quarter are conservative by nature, so I don't expect to get the call to come run McDonalds anytime soon. I'm really curious how this story will play out.

WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2538
Skewed a little by bike riding.

-----

MONDAY COUNT: 2595

SLEPT: 11pm-6:45am, 7.75 hrs

AM SNACK: 7 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST 1: 10:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 12:45pm, Fage with honey, almonds, vanilla, 450 cal

LUNCH: 2:30pm,  tomato soup, pickles, momma salad, cheezits, 465 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, kind bar, 200 cal

DINNER: 7pm, flounder, asparagus, poppa salad with dressing, 650 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:30pm, peanut butter crackers, nutella pack, kid granola bar, 670 cal

-----

BIKE CREDIT: 685 cal
TUESDAY COUNT: 2595

SLEPT: 10pm-5am, 7hrs

AM SNACK: 5:30 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10:30am, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal  

LUNCH: 12:45pm, chicken sausage, lentil curry, steamed string beans, pickles,  550 cal

PM SNACK: 1:45pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

BIKE SNACK: 4pm, homemade granola bar, 330 cal

DINNER: 6:45pm, stouffers french bread pizza, poppa salad, 1080 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8pm, popcorn, +/-400 cal
-----

WEDNESDAY COUNT: 3550

SLEPT: 9:30pm - 1am, 3am-6:30am, 7 hrs

AM SNACK: 1:30am, nutella snacks, 2 kid granola bars, 740 cal

AM SNACK: 7am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 10am, Fage yogurt with honey, almonds, vanilla, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 12:30pm, momma salad, cheezit, 310 cal

PM SNACK: 3pm, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

LUNCH: 4pm, sauteed shrimp and mushrooms, poppa salad with dressing, 740 cal

PM SNACK: 5:45pm, cashews, 350 cal

DINNER: 8pm, Ethiopian food, +/- 800 cal
-----

BIKE CREDIT: 2780 cal
THURSDAY COUNT: 1300

SLEPT: 11pm-4am, 5 hours

AM SNACK: 4:30am, 3 donuts, 150 mg caffeine, +/- 1200 cal

BIKE SNACK: 11am, peanut butter crackers, 240 cal

LUNCH: 11:30am, 2 slices pizza, diet sprite, +/- 800 cal

BIKE SNACK: 2pm, ice cream, 340 cal

DINNER: 6:30pm, Chinese food, +/- 1500 cal
-----

FRIDAY COUNT: 2650

SLEPT: 8:30pm-4:30am, 7.5 hours

BREAKFAST 1: 7am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10am, fruit smoothie, 450 cal

LUNCH: 12pm, momma salad and cheezits, peanut butter and turkey on an english muffin, +/- 800 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, poppa salad with dressing, veggie straws, 340 cal

DINNER: 5:15pm, lamb roll, vegetable pakora, samosa, cheese thing, +/- 900 cal