Now We're Cookin' with SUGAR!

My go-to guide on cooking jokes, puns, crass metaphors, and frivolous recipes.

I like to cook, I've had training and have worked in the periphery of the food industry for a few years now and now I've been having fun with a small food start up bubbling up in my home kitchen. I've made a wide variety of foods for friends and family in my kitchen, everything from pizza and burgers to Julia Child's Beef Bourguignon (with beef stock made from scratch) and modern fusion reinterpretation of the TV Dinner for a Madmen dinner party. The one thing that all the people I've fed seem to have in common is: the one thing they seem to remember the most, compliment me the most on, and request for the future is for me to stop cooking my desserts.

I've been ragging on sugar the last few days -- the Sugar Lobby is full of lies, sugar has real toxic effects on the body, sugar acts like hardcore opiates to addict us. Though it hardly balances it out, sugar is an incredibly powerful member of the culinary toolkit.

Big Sugar is full o' sh@t when it comes to it's defense of the harm sugar inflicts upon us. But they are pretty damn spot-on when it comes to the culinary wonders of the stuff:

1. Interacts with molecules of protein or starch during baking and cooking process.
2. Act as a tenderizer by absorbing water and inhibiting flour gluten development, as well as delaying starch gelatinization.
3. Incorporates air into shortening in the creaming process.
4. Caramelizes under heat, to provide cooked and baked foods with pleasing color and aroma.
5. Speeds the growth of yeast by providing nourishment.
6. Serves as a whipping aid to stabilize beaten egg foams.
7. Delays coagulation of egg proteins in custards.
8. Regulates the gelling of fruit jellies and preserves.
9. Helps to prevent spoilage of jellies and preserves.
10. Improves the appearance and tenderness of canned fruits.
11. Delays discoloration of the surface of frozen fresh fruits.
12. Enables a wide variety of candies through varying degrees of recrystallization.
13. Controls the reformation of crystals through inversion (breakdown to fructose and glucose).
14. Enhances the smoothness and flavor of ice cream.

That's not even to mention that we are genetically programmed to like how it tastes and like the food it is added to. A lot of this list deals with sweet food and baked goods, and kinda buries the lede with #4.

4. Caramelizes under heat, to provide cooked and baked foods with pleasing color and aroma.

It's all about  Dr. Maillard & his rockin' reaction:

The Maillard reaction...results from a chemical reaction between an amino acid and a reducing sugar, usually requiring heat. Vitally important in the preparation or presentation of many types of food, hundreds of different flavor compounds are created. These compounds, in turn, break down to form yet more new flavor compounds, and so on. Each type of food has a very distinctive set of flavor compounds that are formed during the Maillard reaction. 

It's why caramelized onions are so delicious. It's why a properly cooked piece of meat is heavenly (and brown.) Cooking makes food safer, but it becomes more palatable in large part because of Maillard. Whatever food you can name, it can be made more delicious with the Maillard Reaction. And with out the presence of sugar, either naturally occurring or added, it would not exist.

In making duck-faces, these three ladies attempt the "Mallard Reaction"

It's important to note that the Maillard Reaction happens in in food that is cooked that has sugar in it, whether is added or naturally occuring. No, you really shouldn't candy your steak to get good browning. Onions are actually naturally full of sugar, the cooking just eliminates the sharpness that hides it. Big Sugar ain't sellin' steak n' onions, so it's a bit misleading, perhaps even maleficent, according to my wife and her 50¢ words.

Reviewing the last 7 days, I see where I'm getting my daily doses o' sugar, sugah.

• Fruit -- My fruit smoothies have no added sugar, but they are high in fructose, regardless. A banana here, some watermelon there.
• Green tea -- I brew it myself, 1/4 cup of sugar to an entire gallon. Very mildly sweet.
• Junk food -- though greatly restricted to meet the calorie budget, some cookies, chocolate chips and ice cream are sneaking through.
• Weekend binging -- 'nuff said.

So where do I go from here? Though I've reduced my sugar consumption greatly, it seems I've hit a plateau. Last night, I was 100 calories short of my minimum daily consumption, so I had a cup of chocolate milk which brought me to my maximum daily consumption. I paid close attention to the effect it had on me, and it did what I feared: I almost instantly felt a little bit more relaxed, the edge came off. I also stopped being hungry, and my tummy was nicely coated. Addict enjoying a hit, or a hungry guy getting satiated?

Addict enjoying a hit one moment, soon after a hungry gal getting satiated when plan A didn't pan out.

I don't think anything but something sweet would have satisfied me, so I suspect the latter, particularly because after the chocolate milk....I wanted more. The taste primed the pump for more, which is junky behavior.

Though my daughter and her friends enjoyed the from scratch goldfish crackers, mini-knishes, triangular PBJs and fresh pasta I've made them, the thing they go ga-ga for is the ice creams, the cupcakes, the fresh lemonade and cookies. A family member recently went out of his way to retrieve some home-made ice cream sandwiches (made with thin slices of brownies for cookies) to present as dessert in a meal he was serving to a date. If I cook something to my wife's exact desire like mango quinoa salad or grilled cheese with aged cheddar, fresh tomato and hearty peasant bread, she'll be quite happy. If I cook something sweet to my wife's exact desire like cookie n' creme ice cream or fudge brownies, I have to keep them stored in a locked mini fridge to prevent her from losing control and scarfing the whole batch in one sitting. Mama, we're all crazy now!!

F-you, Quiet Riot!

Tomorrow, we wind down with some jokes, but after hitting up these larger sugar topics, next week I'mma gonna let you finish, but there are a bunch of more specific sweet topics I'm gonna drill down into. Tah!

THE COUNT: 2200

Woke up at 5:30, as I have two big bike rides in the next two days (weather allowing), and want to get to bed early tonight to prevent tiredness from messing me up like last week. Had to struggle a bit to avoid eating breakfast too early, which really messed up my budget last Friday. Got to sleep early, preventing me from searching out sugar in the evening.

AM SNACK: 6am, iced green tea, 25 cal

BREAKFAST: 8:45am, kolon bloe with whole milk, 295 cal

LUNCH: noon, Stouffer's French Bread pizzas, 7oz diet coke, 740 cal

PM SNACK: 2pm, momma salad, 200 cal

DINNER: 6:15 pm, broiled sole with butter, roasted brussels, baked potatoes, pickle, 7oz diet sprite, 940 cal