Don't be a (diet) cokehead.

I recently checked out another documentary that proselytizes ideas on healthy diet via Netflix, Hungry for Change. Some of it was standard (eat more fruit and veg), some was easily dismissed as hooey (the detox theory), some was just strange (cilantro can flush the body of mercury?!). The one thing that caught my ear, however, was a short rant about diet sodas....

If I was in the food industry, what am I looking to do? I'm looking to sell you more food, that's what I want to do. How can I do that? I can manipulate the chemical structure oft here food so now it becomes fulfilling, but empty. But gives the impression when they very first ingest it, that it is the most fulfilling thing they ever had. Nothing else does it in your brain quite like a diet cola. That's because there is a deadly combination there of aspartame and caffeine and those two together create a very unique blend of "excitotoxin" that kills off brain cells, but before they die, they have this -oof- excitement like a buzz. So what you find with diet cola addicts is that they'll drink a liter, sometimes 2 liters a day and particularly women, do it as a way to keep their weight down. They don't eat, they just have the next buzz of diet colas.

The talking heads go on about formydahol formation in the brain, migraines, and cancers from aspartame, and dismiss the safety assurances of the FDA as being manipulated by industry -- all the studies used by the FDA in determining the safety of the substance was industry-funded, while independently funded studies showed great dangers and side effects over time. On top of that, the substance is shown to cause carbohydrate cravings. Studies show, according to the talking heads, those who drink diet sodas over time tend to be fatter in a few years.

This is news to me. I never heard the term "excitotoxin" before, but it's a real thing. Most of the scientific sources I tried to read are dense and don't seem to finger aspartame, and if they do speak of food the focus is on glutimates (hello, MSG!). Unsurprisingly, the aspartame industry dismisses excitotoxicity in its product as myth, but Snopes backs them up and a Wikipedia page about aspartame's controversy is rife with conspiracy theory and false science.

He didn't actually drink the pint, he is savoring it in his jowels. 

In my extensive study as a cohort of one, I definitely went through a mess of years where I downed liters and liters of diet coke per day. I may be stupider than I was then, but I'm certainly not riddled with migraines (never had one) or cancers (as of last check up). My dad was a hardcore diet coke addict since it was introduced to replace Tab in the early '80s, and when he died in the mid 2000s he too was cancer-free and migraine-free. I suspect the Hungry For Change movie features "experts" who may be digging into the nutritional field with a lot of new ideas and unexplored angles, but the science just ain't there yet. Yes, I'm going to add some parsley and cilantro to my juicing because it is very green and will add an interesting kick to the flavor of my juice, but not because I think it'll really flush mercury from my system.

Other than the obvious potential of caffiene, it's safe to say that diet cola is not addictive....as a substance. But as a behavior, it fits all too well into the modern conception of what an addiction can be. It gives the brain a reward, but....

In a 2008 study, for instance, women who drank water that was alternately sweetened with sugar and Splenda couldn't tell the difference -- but their brains could. Functional MRI (fMRI) brain scans revealed that even though both drinks lit up the brain's reward system, the sugar did so more completely.

"Your senses tell you there's something sweet that you're tasting, but your brain tells you, 'Actually, it's not as much of a reward as I expected,'" says Martin P. Paulus, MD, a professor of psychiatry at the University of California San Diego, and one of the authors of the study. "The consequence might be that the brain says, 'Well, I'll have more of this.'"

It's of no surprise to me that something like a diet soda or a sweet "sugar-free" candy just doesn't quite do the trick, but it does blunt the cravings. I think I may need to develop a "maintenance" program that will allow me to come down off of sugar once and for all. Plenty of sugar/heroine addicts replace their habits with sugar substitutes/methadone. It's still an addiction, but it's a bit less taxing on the system and more socially acceptable.

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Still a little surprised by the six-pound weight gain last month. I look in the mirror and I don't see a gain, I see a body that's on the way to becoming non-fatty. I've also steeled my resolve to kick the daily sugar fix in the evenings. It's the main source of calories last month that helped me stay high above my budget. Going to up my juicing from 2x a week to maybe 3/4x. Contemplating weighing myself once a week instead of once a month -- maybe that would have headed off a six pound 1 month gain?

Three days without sweets this past week, and Friday night was the worst. Had a hard time focusing, managed to squeak by within calorie budget. Realized I wasn't actually hungry, just having cravings. I think I'm going to approach sugar as I approach alcohol. Almost never consume it at home unless there are guests, and I'll consume it out when I'm with friends and the occasion calls for something special. Hmmmm, I have a wedding to go to Saturday, can I keep that as my only sweets for the whole weekend? Whoever says sugar ain't addicting be crazy.

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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2355

Nice to see an average close to budget. Too bad it had to be prompted by such a large monthly weight gain. Definitely upped my vegetable consumption and took a stab at reducing sugar. Hopefully it'll get easier.

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MONDAY COUNT: 2680

Felt oddly weak in the mornings weightlifting. Funny enough, my sore left shoulder did not stop me from doing much, but a strained forearm muscle in my right arm stop me from doing some concentration curls.

AM SNACK: 8:45am, iced green tea, 45 cal

BREAKFAST: 11:15am, steel cut oatmeal, 375 cal

PM SNACK: 12:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 2:30pm, teriyaki chicken meatballs, curry whole wheat cous cous, roasted asparagus, pickle, 7oz diet coke, 760 cal

Cooked up double the cous cous, but on the plate it looked like too much, and by the time I finished everything, had about half the cous cous left over. Huh.

DINNER: 6:30pm, sausage & peppers hero, house salad, ice cream bar, +/-900 cal

Popped out to the corner slice place for a quiet last meal of 2012. Salad came with 2oz of dressing, used only about 1/4 of that, left behind the bread that came with it. Sandwich was OK, something I never really eat, but nice to change up from the fried breadiness of eggplant.

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, chocolate chips & peanuts, +/- 500 cal

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TUESDAY COUNT: 2245

New Year's Day. Weighed in, surprised to have gained 6 pounds. Happy New Year, bleah. Did avoid an evening snack through force of will...

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, fruit smoothie, 375 cal

PM SNACK: noon, momma salad, 80 cal

Just carrots and cuce, as Edie snatched all the red pepper.

LUNCH: 3:30pm, chicken sausage, cous cous, string beans, 590 cal

DINNER: 5:30pm, cheese tortellini, broccoli, chocolate chip cookies & ice cream, 1 glass wine, +/- 1200 cal

Out at a friend's house for a nice family dinner.

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WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2350

Got hungry a lot during the day, but never too far from a snack or meal. For some reason I was hoping an 8pm burger would have been enough for the day, but got super hungry in the evening. Avoided chocolate for the 1st day in quite a while with a satisfying (but with in budget) bowl of popcorn popped in butter.

AM SNACK: 8:15am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 11am, Greek yogurt with agave, almonds and vanilla, 430 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, ham on whole wheat with mustard, roasted broccoli, 7oz diet coke, 435 cal

Not particularly hungry, but schedule would have forced me to eat out if I delayed.

PM SNACK: 3:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

PM SNACK: 5pm, apple/carrot/kale/cucumber/beet/ginger juice, 145 cal

Found myself home and too hungry, this was an easy quick snack before heading out again. Cucumber was a nice taste to crowd out the kale and beet...

DINNER: 8pm, double quarter pounder, 12oz diet coke, 750 cal

EVENING SNACK: 10:45pm, popcorn, 7oz diet sprite, 440 cal

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THURSDAY COUNT: 2145

A rare day that I've come in under budget for real, without any side-bites or nuthin'. Second day of no chocolate. Feel like I'm on a carousel of hunger -- constantly hungry, but when the hunger starts to bother me, I eat something. Worked out in the morning, trip to Costco in the afternoon.

AM SNACK: 7:45am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, steel cut oatmeal, 375 cal

PM SNACK: 12:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 2pm, jerk chicken patty, vegetable patty, 740 cal

PM SNACK: 6:30pm, apple/carrot/kale/cucumber/beet/ginger juice, 150 cal

DINNER: 7:30pm, shrimp, roasted brussel sprouts, madras lentils and brown rice mix, 7oz diet coke, 610 cal

Got some packets of microwaveable lentils at Costco. Not bad, not good, but healthy way to make the grains I regularly cook a little more interesting. Gonna try to make it for real.

EVENING SNACK: 8:30pm, beef jerky, 120 cal

Really need a new snack that satisfies, but isn't just high-calorie sugar n' fat like chocolate & peanuts. Bought a bag of generic jerky at Costco. Despite the brown sugar rub used in it's manufacture, it's actually reasonably real compared to other mass-manufactured jerkys on the market. All the ingredients are recognizable!

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FRIDAY COUNT: 2355

Woke up a bit sore from yesterday's work out. Monday I was a bit draggy and weak, so I hit it a little harder yesterday. Both shoulder and forearm are A-OK.  Made butternut squash soup (surprisingly low cal, though it shouldn't be a surprise...) and Spanish-braised lentils out of the "How to Cook Everything Vegetarian" cookbook. Easy to make, but fneh tasting -- the notes in the book indicate that red lentils are more tender and are used in Indian cooking, while the standard green lentils are what I used. Now determined how to make proper dal, and use it as a proteiny condiment for my regular grain consumption during the week. 

AM SNACK: 8am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10am, heritage Os with whole milk, banana, 385 cal

PM SNACK: noon, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 2pm, 1 Stouffer's French bread pizza, madras lentils, roasted brocolli, pickle, 7oz diet coke, 670 cal

Two pizzas outta the box are 860 cal. Swapped one out for some healthy leftovers that probably would have gotten trashed anyway.

DINNER: 6:30pm, grilled chicken breast, Spanish lentils, butternut squash soup, 14oz diet sprite, 620 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8:15pm, cheeseits and almond butter, 410 cal

Sugar choco cravings like mad.

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, beef jerky, 120 cal

Uggg. So hungry. Actually, NOT hungry. Just want sugar.

Happy New Year, fatties!

So many things wrong....

213.4--->212.8--->218.2
Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised -- the last few weeks I've been hungrier, and my calorie intake has regularly been over 3000. I am surprised because my clothes have only fit better over the past month, and my slowly enlarging muscles are starting to become a little visible (to my eye...and to the wifey's, as she insists I mention!). Perhaps muscle growth can account for a little weight gain? Hmm.

I think the #1 thing I can do to continue to lose weight is not to be discouraged, as this is a long-term project, as in life-long. Just because every month doesn't bring in a new number I can brag about doesn't mean I should just go get a bag of cookies and sulk in the corner -- too much is at stake. So for January I resolve to:

1. Be stricter in keeping calorie counts to below 2350.
2. Continue to not count on weekends, but to up the vegetable and fruit consumption throughout.
3. End daily desserts once and for all.

I can't beat myself up too hard because:

1. My body wants to gain weight in winter.
2. Biking will come back in the spring to help.
3. I'm still wearing sizes I haven't been comfortable in since high school.
4. I feel good, aside from weighing myself this morning.

Happy New Year, here is to a lighter, healthier 2013!

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This simple tea bag has enough power to: inspire a bunch of totally unfounded claims that are unchecked by the FDA due to the supplements loophole.

As it turns out, any hype around green tea being some sort of fat-burning miracle drink is pretty much utter silliness. While there might be some sort of fat-burning property to some aspect of the stuff, it would have to be ingested in such large quantities that even supplements equivalent to 8 cups of green tea a day are ineffective. I admit the fat-burning rumor was in the back of my mind when I started my habit, but I'll continue it because of four proven qualities:

1. it tastes good
2. it's low calorie
3. it wakes me up gently
4. it hydrates

So there.

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No one told them that Hipster Yoga and Clown Yoga shared the same studio....and time slot....and teacher...and students.

I had the privilege of spending some time with my dear friend T on Friday evening -- she's a bit of a yoga master, so of course we kicked off the evening with a yoga class (basics because that's how I roll). I haven't practiced yoga in a while but the last time I did I did notice some changes in my body. This time, said changes were more pronounced, with my increased strength making challenging positions....still challenging, but less so. In particular, chaturanga was different. It's basically a push-up position with your arms by your side and your elbows bend so your hands are towards the bottom of your chest. I've found this near impossible to stay in for more than a hot moment, but now I found it possible to linger.

But the next day, my left shoulder is painful and feels pulled. Last week, the NY Times had a piece about how men get more injured from yoga than women due to physiological differences. I brought this up with T over a healthy yogastic dinner, and she scoffed a bit at it. Not because it's not true, but because a) this has been well known for quite a while and b) the author has little science to back his claims but does have a new book to pimp. Still, I take some comfort from the piece as it's not strictly my own lameness that prevents me from moving forward in my yoga practice but my dang wang and huevos!

Regardless, I really enjoyed feeling my body respond in a way markedly different in the past and am tempted to take a more difficult yoga class next month. And if it means more hang time with T, all the better!  

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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2885

Again, eating more calories on the one hand, feeling more hungry on the other. Still lower than the 3500+ calories I was eating daily, and certainly more veg.

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MONDAY COUNT:3200

Christmas Eve: We ordered in traditional Chinese food and kept it relatively reasonable, but holiday sweets lying around the house made the calorie count explode. Today and tomorrow, I gotta give myself a little slack in the calorie department as long as I'm eating in a way that doesn't make me feel sick and miserable.

AM SNACK: 8am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 8:45am, kolon bloe with whole milk, banana, 390 cal

PM SNACK: noon, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 1:45pm, chicken teriyaki meatballs, whole wheat cous cous, steamed string beans, 7oz diet coke, 860 cal

DINNER: 5:45pm, singapore mei fun, shrimp toast, wonton soup, 7oz diet coke, +/- 800 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7pm, 2 donuts, +/- 500 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, dark chocolate bar, +/- 500 cal

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TUESDAY COUNT: 2785

Lots of off-the-hook eating opportunities today. Sweets got me good, but was able to keep the day relatively on track.

AM SNACK: 7:30am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 9:15am, fruit smoothie, 375 cal

AM SNACK: 11am, momma salad, pickle, 110 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, spiral ham, various stinky cheese with bread and crackers, chocolate covered graham cracker cookies, apple pie, chocolate cake, +/-1400
Xmas family gathering, I was doing well sticking reasonable amounts of ham and stinky cheeses with reasonable amount of carbs (hello large bricks of mac n' cheee!), until dessert came and I found some chocolate graham crackers hard to resist, and ate enough to feel the ol' tired run-down feeling I'd get from a sugar fest.

DINNER: 9:30pm, shrimp, roasted broccoli, mac n' cheese, +/-850
Didn't get hungry after the afternoon cookie explosion, resisted just settling my hunger with chocolate chips -- didn't eat enough veg today. Didn't really eat the mac n' cheese I made for the family gathering, but made some extra for here, as the kids love it. Did a back of the envelope estimation of the calories....oy, a small side serving, about half what I'd usually consume as a side, is around 600 calories. Had only 4oz of unadorned shrimp and low-cal broc, but damn that little brick of mac is filling.

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WEDNESDAY COUNT: 3105

Glad I had a proper dinner last night, felt good and properly hungry this morning. It was this time exactly last year I started a 2-week period of illness due to my failing digestive system and diet. Unfortunately, got too tempted by some pasta left overs Betsy brought home -- it was a small portion, but after baked potatoes, I was raging. Something tells me baked potatoes might be some sort of trigger food for me.

AM SNACK: 8am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 9:15am, kolon bloe with whole milk, 300 cal

AM SNACK: 11:15am, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 12:45pm, double quarter pounder, 750 cal
They served me a normal coke by accident, one sip and I said, "Eww!" A second sip to confirm what it was, then rather than trade it in, just tossed it -- do I really need diet coke that desperately? Harder was the fries I tossed out, as Edie loved her nuggets and apples and milk, but was not interested in the fries and I had to resist being the human garbage can repository of an extra 230 calories....

PM SNACK: 5:30pm, apple/carrot/beet/kale/ginger juice, 175 cal

DINNER: 6:15pm, broiled flounder, roasted brussels, baked potato, pickle, 7oz diet coke, 930 cal

EVENING SNACK: 8:15pm, gnocchi, rigatoni with sausage, +/-300 cal
Betsy brought home leftovers. I was too hungry to stop.

EVENING SNACK: 9:30pm, dark chocolate chips and peanuts, +/-500 cal

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THURSDAY COUNT: 2590

Good work out in the morning.

AM SNACK: 8:30am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:30am,steel cut oatmeal, 375 cal

AM SNACK: 12:45pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 3:15pm, chicken sausage, quinoa, string beans, 690 cal

PM SNACK: 4:30pm, popcorn, a few sips of diet coke, +/-175 cal

DINNER: 7pm, chicken jalfrezi with rice, onion bahji, chocolate hazelnut ice cream, water, +/- 900 cal

Didn't finish my dinner, it just wasn't very good. Went light on the rice, skipped naan bread all together. Needed the ice cream just to feel like I had a yummy meal.

EVENING SNACK: 9:30pm, cheesy poofs, +/-300 cal

Tried to avoid an evening snack, but just got hungry. Hopefully my estimations were accurate. At least they feel honest.

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FRIDAY COUNT: 2745

Woke up a little hungry and nicely sore in my upper arms from yesterday's work out, which is great - progress is being made towards that one golden day in the future where I actually do one damn pull up. C & Lil' A came over for breakfast, made a meal I've never counted because it's usual a weekend treat, kind of an eye opener.

AM SNACK: 8:45am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:30am, 2 waffles, 2 slices bacon, 7oz diet coke,  720 cal

I've only made waffles on the weekends, so I was surprised to find that each single waffle had 280 cal. They taste great, using only real whole unadulterated ingredients, but a stick of butter (800 cal), a cup and half of flour (832 cal), five eggs (450 cal) all add up, even when divided by 9. The recipe only calls for 2oz of sugar (215 cal), so it's not a total horror, but still. I think last time I made waffles, I was hungry and I ate 5. 1,400 cal at one meal, standing by the oven!!

LUNCH: 2:30pm, almond butter and jelly on whole wheat bread, momma salad, 7oz diet coke, 550 cal

Nice that I don't feel too hungry, even this late. Usually I eat two sandwiches, was easy to do one. Also makes me think of the surprising high glycemic index of bread, whole wheat or not.

PM SNACK: 5pm, apple/carrot/kale/beet/ginger juice, 150 cal

Fuel for some yoga-ing.

SNICKLE DINNER: 7:45pm, vegan Cesar salad, lentil soup, water, +/- 500 cal

SNICKLE SNACK: 8:45pm, popcorn, diet coke, +/- 175 cal

EVENING SNACK: 12:30am, slice of streetza, +/- 250 cal

EVENING SNACK: 1:15am, chocolate chips and peanuts, +/- 500 cal

Might as well face it, you're addicted to food.

I'm not a lazy fat slob with no ambition, I'm an addict. A delicious, round, saucy addict!

Addiction has been on my mind lately. Some chump just got busted for posting stolen nude pics of Scarlett Johansonn hacked from her phone, and he's claiming an "addiction" to stalking famous people. If something like invading the privacy of celebrities and publicizing their private moments can be "addicting", then what, exactly, is addiction? The Webster Dictionary says bullsh@t:

a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

If it ain't a drug, it ain't addicting. In my life, two substances come to mind that have the heavy lure of addiction have crossed my path. 

1. About a year ago, I suffered through some kidney stones and when the doctor gave me that morphine drip, in the space of a couple of minutes I went from the worst pain I've ever suffered in my life to gently floating above the gurney, looking for shapes in the water stains of the ER's drop-ceiling like they were cumulus clouds on a summer day. I was sent home with oxycodones (a.k.a. "hillbilly heroine"), but unlike the morphine, they made me sleepy and I felt drained when I woke up. With the morphine, I was incredibly high and the landing was extremely soft and gentle -- when the drip came out, within a few minutes I was straight again, and outside of a sore back, the worst of the pain had passed. Still, whenever I walk past Tompkins Square and see the desperate heroine addicts huddled in the south west corner of the park, I kind of understand a little what they are about. I have a family, home and friends to keep me tethered (as well as a healthy fear of needles), but if I was a total f-up and my life was empty of love and warmth, that morphine cloud could be a place I'd dream about. Could I be a morphine addict from just one brief, medically necessary and legal exposure?
2. The other addictive substance I've experienced in my life I discussed a little bit in this forum: diet coke. As wrote in that entry, I was slamming upwards of 3/4 of a gallon of the dark fizzy stuff every day, from the moment I woke up to hours before bed. It must have been a simple caffeine addiction, the same ingredient that drives people to down tons of coffee, and other than the theory that people get fat on diet sodas because they use it as an excuse to eat poorly in the rest of their diet, I didn't really give it any deeper thought. Hey, I was trying to crank out an entry 5 days a week, it doesn't lend itself to deep thought.

In the course of this blog, I've spent a few weeks looking at sugar,  and but somehow avoided specifically addressing it's addictive qualities, though I made jokes about it here and there. I mean, sugar, come on, how could something so common and celebrated and kid-friendly and natural be addictive?

Addiction is a persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance. The term has been partially replaced by the word dependence for substance abuse. Addiction has been extended, however, to include mood-altering behaviors or activities. Some researchers speak of two types of addictions: substance addictions (for example, alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking); and process addictions (for example, gambling, spending, shopping, eating, and sexual activity). There is a growing recognition that many addicts, such as polydrug abusers, are addicted to more than one substance or process. 

Behavior?! Activities?! Anything could be addictive! Combine the social behavior of eating and sharing delicious food with the physiological pleasure of meeting the body's demand for simple carbs and the common celebration of the innocence of sweets, and....ugg! Though Webster's definition reflects the old way of looking at addiction, the DSM has recently redefined and expanded the idea of addiction to cover just about anything potentially enjoyable: "just about any deeply pleasurable activity — sex, eating, Internet use — has the potential to become addictive and destructive."

My lurking fondness for morphine I understand -- it is a raw physical yearning that sits outside of me in a way. However, looking back at my mindlessness in diet coke and some other habits (dietary and non) I've had in my life, it's a little jarring to sit here and honestly ask myself, "Am I an addict?" and the word "NO" not immediately coming to mind.

Next week is the the holidays, and I'll be weighing in. The week after, some research and thought into the possibility of being addicted to diet coke for reasons other than caffeine.

The fashion industry, forever keepin' it classy.

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Being an at leisure researcher who is only "publishing" is this blog, I took it upon myself to dig into Netflix for "food addiction", and low and behold, TLC has a show called Freaky Eaters. Each of the 14 episodes on Netflix has subtitles like "Addicted to Pizza" or "Addicted to Sugar". The bottom line is the subjects of these episodes all have certain repetitive food habits that are interfering with their health, as well as their personal relationships and professional lives. Being a cheesy TLC show, everything is  dug up, analyzed, diagnosed and wrapped up with a clear path to recovery in the space of 22 minutes, with a visual "shock therapy" segment thrown in as well. After watching three episodes, I didn't really need to watch a 4th, as they only addressed emotional and psychological aspects of food addiction, never the actual physiological possibility of addiction, and seemed pretty rote and formulaic.

Except on the cheeseburger episode, one bit really got me. This dude was eating cheeseburgers (no lettuce or tomato, nothing but plain cheese burgers and soda) for three meals a day since he was five years old. He's now married with two little kids like me, but he's too fat and tired and sick to play with his kids. His wife has gone to culinary school and likes to cook a variety of healthy foods every day, but when he comes home for dinner, he picks at his food and sets a bad example for his kids. He regularly eats burgers before he gets home and hides the fact from his wife. When the show turns and he reveals to his poor wife that he had been scarfing cheeseburgers behind her back (and against the advice of his doctors as he has diabetes and an enlarged heart), she feels betrayed and unvalued and scared for her husband, and expresses fear that while she is there to help, unless he helps himself, she doesn't know whether the whole family thing is gonna work out. A little sliver of real drama and honesty in an otherwise manufactured 21 minutes.
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I find it easiest to keep close to calorie budget on Mondays, probably because of carry over satiety from free-feeding on the weekends. However, this past Monday, desire to eat gripped me after the final meal of the day, and I went off the reservation a little bit. As I was eating I was thinking, nah, don't need to record this, but the next morning, I realized it's just lying to myself if I don't at least pause to consider what's going on -- don't need to beat myself up, but don't play like if I don't think, it didn't happen.

I ate reasonably well on Sunday, so I should have eaten heavier in the morning. Due to chores and busy stuff, I didn't get a proper breakfast in until close to noon, and lunch was unsatisfying due to an avocado on the edge of rot. Tamped down hunger in the early evening with juice while I fed my kids, and dinner was bulked up with....baked potatoes, a high-glycemic food. Funny, during the afternoon, I was putting dinner together in my head, dismissing different starch options -- quinoa, Israeli cous cous, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, but potatoes seemed very appealing, as I don't have them that often. 

And the potatoes were delicious, and....unsatisfying. I had Xmas cookies in the pocket of my jacket, given to me just minutes ago, and after I finished my 780 calorie meal, I immediately felt compelled to eat the cookies. Oy. I knew then I was over my budget, on a Monday no less. But a couple of hours later, while watching TV, I reverted to an old habit of just eating to satisfy a jones. It wasn't hunger, but more like a desire for carbs. 

I guess the combination of too few calories in the morning and then priming the pump with potatoes then cookies in the evening lead me to a high-calorie day. Rather than feel guilty about it and suppress it, I actually feel a little better having thought it through here. Though if you've read this far, the belly-button gazing must be excruciating!

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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2812

Much hungrier than usual this week. It took serious self-observation and thought, but I can confidently say that the reason for this increase in daily consumption is NOT due to:

1. a lack of control
2. seasonal depression
3. losing focus on my diet

What I've been experiencing is a real increase in appetite, in hunger. I'm not quite sure why. On Monday, I thought maybe it was an imbalance in my carb-intake, but as the rest of the week rolled through, it wasn't just that.  Looking at my diet and recent changes, it could possibly be related to:

1. adding fresh juice to my diet
2. winter and colder weather settling in

I really don't know. I need to think more about addiction, and diet soda, but I'll be researching physiological hunger and reporting back to you in a few weeks...

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MONDAY COUNT: 3240

Got the new handle for the weights on Friday, had a nice full work out this morning.

AM SNACK: 7:30am, iced green tea, 50 cal

AM SNACK: 9:30am, banana, 100 cal

BREAKFAST: 11:45am, steel cut oatmeal, 375 cal

Only had a half cup dry left, so only made one portion.

LUNCH: 1:45pm, sardine & avocado on whole wheat toast, momma salad, 7oz diet coke, 630 cal

PM SNACK: 6:45pm, apple/carrot/ginger/beet/kale/celery/cucumber juice, 305 cal

DINNER: 7:15pm, chicken sausage, steamed string beans, baked potatoes and butter, 7oz diet sprite, 2 cookies, 1080

Two Xmas cookies with wonderful butter cream frosting jumped into my mouth at the end of the meal, given to us by a family friend. They were store bought, but tasted really good, and had nutritional labels that surprise me -- 150 cal for each of the rather small cookies!

EVENING PIG OUT: 9-10pm, chocolate chips & peanuts, bowl of rice crispies & milk, bowl of corn flakes & milk, +/-700 cal

Ugg. See notes above. Looking at it now, these snacks weren't like, say, eating a whole box of Entemann's chocolate chip cookies (2000+ cal), but it's on the spectrum...

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TUESDAY COUNT: 2790

Another healthy but heavy eating day. Was watching myself closely, monitoring what I was feeling, and I have to admit, I was just hungry, not just craving sweets, but hungry-hungry. As much as I want to lose weight and keep to my budget, I also want to be comfortable and sane.

AM SNACK: 7:30am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:45am, fruit smoothie, 400 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, double quarter pounder, small diet coke, 750 cal

PM SNACK: 3:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 8pm, whole wheat pasta in sauce and parm with turkey meatballs and roasted brussel sprouts, pickle, 7oz diet sprite, 1160 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, dark chocolate chips & peanuts, 330 cal

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WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2700

Not a typical day, had a funeral to attend in the morning then get myself to school for the final meal of the semester. Had McD's for a second day in a row, out of convenience. Bleah. So hungry by lunchtime, my hunger this week is definitely something new.

AM SNACK: 7:45am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, kolon bloe with whole milk, 300 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, double quarter pounder, "children's size" diet coke, 750 cal

SCHOOL DINNER: 6:45pm, sausage lasagna, shrimp scampi, brownie, full-sugar sprite, +/- 1200 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, green salad with dressing, +/- 100 cal

There was a lame iceberg lettuce diner salad in the fridge barely touched, made me realize I ate no vegetables today, and it actually felt kinda...gross. A shot of Italian dressing livened up this otherwise prosaic salad. Is this the kind of salad most people experience? No wonder people don't dig vegetables. Diner salad needs a serious re-do.

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, brownie, +/-300 cal

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THURSDAY COUNT: 2760

Since I only made a half-pot of oats on Monday, had none for breakfast today. I had fresh juice for breakfast, which reminded me of the first "diet" book I ever read, Fit for Life (and the inspiration for getting my first juicer.) It's thing was separating sugar and carbs from proteins and fats, and until noon, one was to continue "resting" the body by only taking in juice until lunch, which would be a low-carb fiesta. I should re-read that book, now that I'm a bit more educated...

AM SNACK: 7:15am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10am, apple/carrot/beet/kale/ginger juice, 250 cal

PM SNACK: 11:30am, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, chicken sausage, roasted broccoli, millet, 7oz diet coke, 930 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, ten pork & chive dumplings, +/- 330 cal

Again, hungrier than I should be, so picked these up locally, wanted a snack that was heavy on protein and fat and light on carbs...

DINNER: 7pm, hijiki tofu patty with large spinach salad, water, +/- 500 cal

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, dark chcoolate chips and peanuts, +/- 300 cal

EVENING SNACK: 11pm, whole wheat toast with hummus, +/- 300 cal

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FRIDAY COUNT: 2570

Well, I know I didn't over-eat or lose control yesterday because I woke up with an appetite.

AM SNACK: 9:15am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10am, Greek yogurt with slivered almonds, agave & vanilla, 450 cal

Agave has a much lower glycemic index than honey, and between limiting the load (only one tablespoon) and combining it with a super-low glycemic food like yogurt and nuts, it's really nuthin'. It's not as screamingly sweet as honey, but in this application doesn't need to be.

PM SNACK: 12:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 1:45pm, broiled sole, millet, roasted asparagus, pickle, 7oz diet coke, 620 cal

DINNER: 6pm, eggplant hero, garden salad, french fries, 7oz diet sprite, +/- 900 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, dark chocolate chips & peanuts, +/- 400 cal