Might as well face it, you're addicted to food.

I'm not a lazy fat slob with no ambition, I'm an addict. A delicious, round, saucy addict!

Addiction has been on my mind lately. Some chump just got busted for posting stolen nude pics of Scarlett Johansonn hacked from her phone, and he's claiming an "addiction" to stalking famous people. If something like invading the privacy of celebrities and publicizing their private moments can be "addicting", then what, exactly, is addiction? The Webster Dictionary says bullsh@t:

a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

If it ain't a drug, it ain't addicting. In my life, two substances come to mind that have the heavy lure of addiction have crossed my path. 

1. About a year ago, I suffered through some kidney stones and when the doctor gave me that morphine drip, in the space of a couple of minutes I went from the worst pain I've ever suffered in my life to gently floating above the gurney, looking for shapes in the water stains of the ER's drop-ceiling like they were cumulus clouds on a summer day. I was sent home with oxycodones (a.k.a. "hillbilly heroine"), but unlike the morphine, they made me sleepy and I felt drained when I woke up. With the morphine, I was incredibly high and the landing was extremely soft and gentle -- when the drip came out, within a few minutes I was straight again, and outside of a sore back, the worst of the pain had passed. Still, whenever I walk past Tompkins Square and see the desperate heroine addicts huddled in the south west corner of the park, I kind of understand a little what they are about. I have a family, home and friends to keep me tethered (as well as a healthy fear of needles), but if I was a total f-up and my life was empty of love and warmth, that morphine cloud could be a place I'd dream about. Could I be a morphine addict from just one brief, medically necessary and legal exposure?
2. The other addictive substance I've experienced in my life I discussed a little bit in this forum: diet coke. As wrote in that entry, I was slamming upwards of 3/4 of a gallon of the dark fizzy stuff every day, from the moment I woke up to hours before bed. It must have been a simple caffeine addiction, the same ingredient that drives people to down tons of coffee, and other than the theory that people get fat on diet sodas because they use it as an excuse to eat poorly in the rest of their diet, I didn't really give it any deeper thought. Hey, I was trying to crank out an entry 5 days a week, it doesn't lend itself to deep thought.

In the course of this blog, I've spent a few weeks looking at sugar,  and but somehow avoided specifically addressing it's addictive qualities, though I made jokes about it here and there. I mean, sugar, come on, how could something so common and celebrated and kid-friendly and natural be addictive?

Addiction is a persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance. The term has been partially replaced by the word dependence for substance abuse. Addiction has been extended, however, to include mood-altering behaviors or activities. Some researchers speak of two types of addictions: substance addictions (for example, alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking); and process addictions (for example, gambling, spending, shopping, eating, and sexual activity). There is a growing recognition that many addicts, such as polydrug abusers, are addicted to more than one substance or process. 

Behavior?! Activities?! Anything could be addictive! Combine the social behavior of eating and sharing delicious food with the physiological pleasure of meeting the body's demand for simple carbs and the common celebration of the innocence of sweets, and....ugg! Though Webster's definition reflects the old way of looking at addiction, the DSM has recently redefined and expanded the idea of addiction to cover just about anything potentially enjoyable: "just about any deeply pleasurable activity — sex, eating, Internet use — has the potential to become addictive and destructive."

My lurking fondness for morphine I understand -- it is a raw physical yearning that sits outside of me in a way. However, looking back at my mindlessness in diet coke and some other habits (dietary and non) I've had in my life, it's a little jarring to sit here and honestly ask myself, "Am I an addict?" and the word "NO" not immediately coming to mind.

Next week is the the holidays, and I'll be weighing in. The week after, some research and thought into the possibility of being addicted to diet coke for reasons other than caffeine.

The fashion industry, forever keepin' it classy.

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Being an at leisure researcher who is only "publishing" is this blog, I took it upon myself to dig into Netflix for "food addiction", and low and behold, TLC has a show called Freaky Eaters. Each of the 14 episodes on Netflix has subtitles like "Addicted to Pizza" or "Addicted to Sugar". The bottom line is the subjects of these episodes all have certain repetitive food habits that are interfering with their health, as well as their personal relationships and professional lives. Being a cheesy TLC show, everything is  dug up, analyzed, diagnosed and wrapped up with a clear path to recovery in the space of 22 minutes, with a visual "shock therapy" segment thrown in as well. After watching three episodes, I didn't really need to watch a 4th, as they only addressed emotional and psychological aspects of food addiction, never the actual physiological possibility of addiction, and seemed pretty rote and formulaic.

Except on the cheeseburger episode, one bit really got me. This dude was eating cheeseburgers (no lettuce or tomato, nothing but plain cheese burgers and soda) for three meals a day since he was five years old. He's now married with two little kids like me, but he's too fat and tired and sick to play with his kids. His wife has gone to culinary school and likes to cook a variety of healthy foods every day, but when he comes home for dinner, he picks at his food and sets a bad example for his kids. He regularly eats burgers before he gets home and hides the fact from his wife. When the show turns and he reveals to his poor wife that he had been scarfing cheeseburgers behind her back (and against the advice of his doctors as he has diabetes and an enlarged heart), she feels betrayed and unvalued and scared for her husband, and expresses fear that while she is there to help, unless he helps himself, she doesn't know whether the whole family thing is gonna work out. A little sliver of real drama and honesty in an otherwise manufactured 21 minutes.
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I find it easiest to keep close to calorie budget on Mondays, probably because of carry over satiety from free-feeding on the weekends. However, this past Monday, desire to eat gripped me after the final meal of the day, and I went off the reservation a little bit. As I was eating I was thinking, nah, don't need to record this, but the next morning, I realized it's just lying to myself if I don't at least pause to consider what's going on -- don't need to beat myself up, but don't play like if I don't think, it didn't happen.

I ate reasonably well on Sunday, so I should have eaten heavier in the morning. Due to chores and busy stuff, I didn't get a proper breakfast in until close to noon, and lunch was unsatisfying due to an avocado on the edge of rot. Tamped down hunger in the early evening with juice while I fed my kids, and dinner was bulked up with....baked potatoes, a high-glycemic food. Funny, during the afternoon, I was putting dinner together in my head, dismissing different starch options -- quinoa, Israeli cous cous, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, but potatoes seemed very appealing, as I don't have them that often. 

And the potatoes were delicious, and....unsatisfying. I had Xmas cookies in the pocket of my jacket, given to me just minutes ago, and after I finished my 780 calorie meal, I immediately felt compelled to eat the cookies. Oy. I knew then I was over my budget, on a Monday no less. But a couple of hours later, while watching TV, I reverted to an old habit of just eating to satisfy a jones. It wasn't hunger, but more like a desire for carbs. 

I guess the combination of too few calories in the morning and then priming the pump with potatoes then cookies in the evening lead me to a high-calorie day. Rather than feel guilty about it and suppress it, I actually feel a little better having thought it through here. Though if you've read this far, the belly-button gazing must be excruciating!

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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2812

Much hungrier than usual this week. It took serious self-observation and thought, but I can confidently say that the reason for this increase in daily consumption is NOT due to:

1. a lack of control
2. seasonal depression
3. losing focus on my diet

What I've been experiencing is a real increase in appetite, in hunger. I'm not quite sure why. On Monday, I thought maybe it was an imbalance in my carb-intake, but as the rest of the week rolled through, it wasn't just that.  Looking at my diet and recent changes, it could possibly be related to:

1. adding fresh juice to my diet
2. winter and colder weather settling in

I really don't know. I need to think more about addiction, and diet soda, but I'll be researching physiological hunger and reporting back to you in a few weeks...

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MONDAY COUNT: 3240

Got the new handle for the weights on Friday, had a nice full work out this morning.

AM SNACK: 7:30am, iced green tea, 50 cal

AM SNACK: 9:30am, banana, 100 cal

BREAKFAST: 11:45am, steel cut oatmeal, 375 cal

Only had a half cup dry left, so only made one portion.

LUNCH: 1:45pm, sardine & avocado on whole wheat toast, momma salad, 7oz diet coke, 630 cal

PM SNACK: 6:45pm, apple/carrot/ginger/beet/kale/celery/cucumber juice, 305 cal

DINNER: 7:15pm, chicken sausage, steamed string beans, baked potatoes and butter, 7oz diet sprite, 2 cookies, 1080

Two Xmas cookies with wonderful butter cream frosting jumped into my mouth at the end of the meal, given to us by a family friend. They were store bought, but tasted really good, and had nutritional labels that surprise me -- 150 cal for each of the rather small cookies!

EVENING PIG OUT: 9-10pm, chocolate chips & peanuts, bowl of rice crispies & milk, bowl of corn flakes & milk, +/-700 cal

Ugg. See notes above. Looking at it now, these snacks weren't like, say, eating a whole box of Entemann's chocolate chip cookies (2000+ cal), but it's on the spectrum...

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TUESDAY COUNT: 2790

Another healthy but heavy eating day. Was watching myself closely, monitoring what I was feeling, and I have to admit, I was just hungry, not just craving sweets, but hungry-hungry. As much as I want to lose weight and keep to my budget, I also want to be comfortable and sane.

AM SNACK: 7:30am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10:45am, fruit smoothie, 400 cal

LUNCH: 1pm, double quarter pounder, small diet coke, 750 cal

PM SNACK: 3:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 8pm, whole wheat pasta in sauce and parm with turkey meatballs and roasted brussel sprouts, pickle, 7oz diet sprite, 1160 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, dark chocolate chips & peanuts, 330 cal

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WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2700

Not a typical day, had a funeral to attend in the morning then get myself to school for the final meal of the semester. Had McD's for a second day in a row, out of convenience. Bleah. So hungry by lunchtime, my hunger this week is definitely something new.

AM SNACK: 7:45am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, kolon bloe with whole milk, 300 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, double quarter pounder, "children's size" diet coke, 750 cal

SCHOOL DINNER: 6:45pm, sausage lasagna, shrimp scampi, brownie, full-sugar sprite, +/- 1200 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, green salad with dressing, +/- 100 cal

There was a lame iceberg lettuce diner salad in the fridge barely touched, made me realize I ate no vegetables today, and it actually felt kinda...gross. A shot of Italian dressing livened up this otherwise prosaic salad. Is this the kind of salad most people experience? No wonder people don't dig vegetables. Diner salad needs a serious re-do.

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, brownie, +/-300 cal

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THURSDAY COUNT: 2760

Since I only made a half-pot of oats on Monday, had none for breakfast today. I had fresh juice for breakfast, which reminded me of the first "diet" book I ever read, Fit for Life (and the inspiration for getting my first juicer.) It's thing was separating sugar and carbs from proteins and fats, and until noon, one was to continue "resting" the body by only taking in juice until lunch, which would be a low-carb fiesta. I should re-read that book, now that I'm a bit more educated...

AM SNACK: 7:15am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10am, apple/carrot/beet/kale/ginger juice, 250 cal

PM SNACK: 11:30am, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 1:30pm, chicken sausage, roasted broccoli, millet, 7oz diet coke, 930 cal

PM SNACK: 4pm, ten pork & chive dumplings, +/- 330 cal

Again, hungrier than I should be, so picked these up locally, wanted a snack that was heavy on protein and fat and light on carbs...

DINNER: 7pm, hijiki tofu patty with large spinach salad, water, +/- 500 cal

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, dark chcoolate chips and peanuts, +/- 300 cal

EVENING SNACK: 11pm, whole wheat toast with hummus, +/- 300 cal

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FRIDAY COUNT: 2570

Well, I know I didn't over-eat or lose control yesterday because I woke up with an appetite.

AM SNACK: 9:15am, iced green tea, 50 cal

BREAKFAST: 10am, Greek yogurt with slivered almonds, agave & vanilla, 450 cal

Agave has a much lower glycemic index than honey, and between limiting the load (only one tablespoon) and combining it with a super-low glycemic food like yogurt and nuts, it's really nuthin'. It's not as screamingly sweet as honey, but in this application doesn't need to be.

PM SNACK: 12:30pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 1:45pm, broiled sole, millet, roasted asparagus, pickle, 7oz diet coke, 620 cal

DINNER: 6pm, eggplant hero, garden salad, french fries, 7oz diet sprite, +/- 900 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, dark chocolate chips & peanuts, +/- 400 cal