Chobani, are you kidding me?!

No, this does not taste good, dear.

About a year ago, I ruminated on the personal delusions of someone close to me -- she insisted that 0% Fat Free Fage Greek Yogurt and full fat Whole Fage Greek Yogurt tasted the same, and that no one could tell the difference, and she would go on eating her fat-free dairy regardless of what any scientist or study said because her own nutritionist said so and it made her (and I suspect her nutritionist) feel good and "feminine" to keep up the fat-makes-you-fat-myth beyond all reason or reality.

Indeed, it was this woman who introduced me to Fage yogurt about a decade ago. I vaguely remembering tasting her yogurt and thinking, "interesting texture, but tastes like chalky ass" but when I soon tried the whole milk version, all became clear. I've been regularly eating Whole Fage for breakfast several times a week ever since that fateful day.

Three years ago when Gawker started railing against all Greek yogurts as vastly inferior to Fage, I just shrugged and went along my merry way -- damn hipsters trying to be funny by ragging on big brands and championing a slightly smaller big brand, whatever. I never really considered another brand like Chobani because it only came in 0% or a tepid 2% -- why even bother?

Well, last week, on my normal grocery run, the shop was out of Fage Whole in the big containers. However, a new thing showed up: Chobani 4%. Huh, I thought. In fine print it says it's made from whole milk, but….it's not for eating? It says it is perfect for chefs, for cooking and using in recipes. Which automatically makes me think -- if an ingredient is NOT good for cooking and using in recipes, why would you want to eat it anyway? It's too offensive to the anti-fat crowd to suggest your full fat product might be tastier?

I should have known better. I bought the container, thinking eh, full fat Greek is full fat Greek, it's probably all the same. I ate a bowl of it today. It was hard to finish. It was watery and loose, a distinct metallic tinge and reminded me of the crappy Dannon yogurt I ate as a kid. Gawker was right: Chobani is "garbage yogurt".  I threw the rest of the container away, as it's not fit to feed my children, certainly not to cook with.

In my younger years, my passion for music had me at a philosophical quandary: I knew the cool, underground, indie music I liked was VASTLY superior to the pap that was being foisted upon the masses to great profit but artistic corruption….but how could I prove it? What metric or scientific measure could be performed to prove once and for all something I knew to be true with all my heart?

Part of me knows this is foolish silliness, that art is too subjective to measure objectively, but part of me still believes that a Prince Buster outtake or a Pixies demo is still self-evidently superior to whatever crap is called Top 40 today. But when I tasted this Chobani stuff, my bluster at the offense at how ridiculously bad it is made me think there must be some scientific way to prove that Fage (and therefore Fage eaters) are VASTLY superior to garbage yogurt people. (Funny, there actually is a way to prove it, with food science methodology, but it would need to be controlled for financial interests, but that's another post….)

That's it. That's my grand food thought for the week, simple: If you eat Greek Yogurt, you are eating Fage Whole. If you are eating a reduced version that takes away flavor, satiety and the health giving properties of the stuff, you are simply a fool. (And if you're worried about calories, eat less of it, dummy.) However, if you are eating Chobani when you have access to Fage, you are plumb retarded.

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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 2462
Wedneday was a gorge day which I'm excluding from this average, I'll not beat myself up as long as this doesn't become a regular thing.

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BIKE CREDIT: 720 cal
MONDAY COUNT: 2685

SLEPT: 9:30pm - 6:30am, 9hrs

AM SNACK: 6:45 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 8:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BIKE SNACK: 10:30am, homemade granola bar, 250 cal

BREAKFAST 2: noon, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 1:15pm, momma salad, 100 cal

LUNCH: 2pm, mahi mahi, asparagus, pickles, 425 cal

PM SNACK 3:45pm, kind bar, 200 cal

DINNER: 5:30pm, Stouffers French Bread pizzas, poppa salad with dressing, 1020 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7pm, popcorn, +/- 300 cal

EVENING SNACK: 9pm, M&Ms, almond butter and chocolate syrup, +/- 500 cal

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TUESDAY COUNT: 2340

SLEPT: 10pm - 6:30am, 8.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 7 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9:45am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:30am, fage yogurt with honey, vanilla, almonds, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 1:45pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310cal

LINNER: 4:45pm, poppa salad with grilled chicken breast, 620 cal

EVENING SNACK: 5pm, kind bar, 200 cal

EVENING SNACK: 6:30pm, 2 kid granola bars, 200 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:30, popcorn, +/- 400 cal
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BIKE CREDIT: 700 cal
WEDNESDAY COUNT: -----

SLEPT: 9:30pm - 6:30am,  9 hrs
Thought I had it within reason, but I think I burned more calories than expected on some commuting bike rides and didn't account for it. Hunger kept me up and ate a large chocolate snack at 1 in the morning just to get straight. Not gonna beat myself up, just gonna try to work around this next time.

AM SNACK: 6:45 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9:15am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 150mg caffeine, 160 cal

BIKE SNACK: 11am, homemade granola bar, 225 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 12:15pm, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 2:15pm, chicken meat balls, madras lentils, steamed string beans, pickles, 680 cal

PM SNACK: 4:45pm, momma salad, 100 cal

DINNER: 8:15pm, Chipotle burrito, chips & salsa, poppa salad with dressing, 1710 cal

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, kind bar, 200 cal

BLOWOUT: 1am, a large piece of babka, +/- 1500 cal

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THURSDAY COUNT: 2520

SLEPT: 1:30am - 5:30am,  4 hrs
Woke up with a sour stomach, no doubt due to middle of the night food. Too little sleep, too.

AM SNACK: 5:45 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 10:45am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 11:45am, Chobani yogurt with almonds, honey, vanilla, 450 cal
HOLY SHIT! WTF!!

PM SNACK: 12:45pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

PM SNACK: 4:45pm, poppa salad with dressing, kind bar, 400 cal

TIGGER DINNER: 6pm, seared scallops, ramp butter mashed potatoes, sauteed garlic spinach, roasted brussel sprouts, chocolate babka, herbal tea, +/- 1200 cal
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FRIDAY COUNT: 2365

SLEPT: 11pm - 5:30am,  6.5 hrs

AM SNACK: 6 am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10pm, Fage with honey, almonds, vanilla, 450 cal

PM SNACK: 1:1pm, momma salad, cheezits, 310 cal

LUNCH: 2:30pm, shiritake noodle stir fry with shrimp, shitakes, oyster sauce, 1/2 a poppa salad, 445 cal

DINNER: 5:30pm, hot dog, fries, ice cream, +/- 1000 cal