From Butts to Eating Clean: a true American story

Shonda's portfolio to get work as a stock photography model never quite hit it's mark.

I was out for brunch over the weekend, and while we were pursuing an exciting, free-form conversation stretching across too many topics to recount here,  my perfectly pleasant dining companion mentioned that she ate freely during the weekend (sounds familiar), and during the week she ate "clean".

I've heard that buzzword before on the periphery, and to be honest it raised my bullshit antenna. I casually asked, "Oh, clean? What does that mean?" Her eyes glanced down and to the side, a physical sign that she perhaps was not completely comfortable. She said something about no sugar and no flour. "Oh, carb free diet?" No, well, kinda, lean proteins and vegetables. I kind of wanted to ask more questions, but I could tell pushing it would not be gentlemanly. Fair enough, guys needling ladies about their eating habits can be creepy in the wrong context, and perhaps this afternoon was the wrong context.

When I came across this image on google image search, I straight up thought this was a turd on a plate. Just thought I'd share. Because this is the right context.

That's what the Internet is for, because no one has ever ranted creepily on the Internet! My google-fu is strong. What, pray tell, is "eating clean?"

The Eat-Clean principles are:

• Eat six small meals a day.
• Eat breakfast every day, within an hour of getting up.
• Eat lean protein and complex carbohydrates at every meal.
• Have two or three servings of healthy fats every day.
• Get fiber, vitamins, nutrients, and enzymes from fresh fruits and vegetables.
• Control your portions.
• Drink 2 to 3 liters of water (about 13 8-ounce cups) every day.

 The foods to avoid:

• Over processed foods, especially white flour and sugar
• Artificial sweeteners
• Sugary beverages, such as soda and juice
• Alcohol
• Foods with chemical additives like food dyes and sodium nitrite
• Foods with preservatives
• Artificial foods, such as processed cheese slices
• Saturated fats and trans fats
• Anti-foods -- calorie-dense foods with no nutritional value

Sounds like a stricter version of current "common sense", but the whole drink-a-ton-of-water has been questioned -- if you are in tune with your body, you can just drink when you are thirsty. It's when people are full of sugar and drugs and drug-like foods that you can confuse hunger for thirst and vice versa. Still, my bullshit-o-larm is ringing loud: someone is saying that this list of do's and do-not's are somehow universally applicable to all people? And jargon like "anti-food" tend to muddy the water when it comes to understanding the concept of balance and moderation -- calling a Big Mac an "anti-food" might be satisfying on some level, but that doesn't make it true or accurate.

Of course, when profit motive gets involved, all bets are off. After all, the guru behind eating clean is also the author of that classic for all time, the Butt Book.

Tosca Reno (born May 22, 1959) is the New York Times best selling author behind Your Best Body Now and the Eat-Clean Diet(r) series. She is also a certified Nutritional Therapy practitioner.[1] She is also a fitness model, columnist, and the author of the "Eat-Clean Diet" series.[2]

-sigh- So much for credibility.

It is impossible to target any place on your body for fat loss, unless you are talking surgery. Implying you can is a very popular way to separate insecure ladies (and a growing number of men) from the contents of their wallets. So with that in mind, what does one find if you were to read ALL FRIGGIN' TWELVE 'Eat Clean' books Mz. Reno wrote in the space of 5 years?

First you need to step back and remind yourself of some basic truths.

There are three ways a food could negatively affect your health, longevity, or body composition.
1. Contributing to a caloric excess which leads to negative health problems from being overweight.
2. Causing nutrient deficiencies by diluting the nutrient density of your diet.
3. Directly interfering with your body’s functions, causing specific diseases, increasing fat gain, or accelerating aging.

Simply put, no food does any of these things, and all food does these things, because balance. Too much of something will cause excess calories to collect as fat. Too little of something will cause nutritional deficiencies. And if your eating something that messes with your functioning, it's probably not a food - its a drug. And yes, food can be so refined that it acts like a drug in your system. It's not a mere coincidence that the only simpler carb than sugar is alcohol.

Balance and moderation are what’s important, and the definition of both of these terms depends on who’s eating the food and how much they’re eating.

And it is that information gap -- balance and moderation varies culturally, physiologically and emotionally from person to person -- is where the lever to separate you from your cash lies. I guess if you are going to be a diet guru and make a living, you have to publish or perish. And if your going to make billions of dollars for a corporation with a food product, you better explore those drug-like effects of legal food to trade on it's addictive qualities. One may be hooking you, and the other may be unhooking you, but make no mistake, they both want the same thing for you: for you to pay them.
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WEEKLY AVERAGE: 3036

Too many sweets, but looking back it was a surprisingly stressful week, it was a reaction to that. Hopefully I can get back in the saddle next week, let's not beat myself up.

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MONDAY COUNT: 3260

SLEPT: 11pm-4am, 1:45pm-2:45pm, 6 hrs
After missing 2 weeks for legit reasons, got back on the horse and lifted this morning. A little bit disappointed about the over snacking in the evening, left over ice cream from the weekend…which actually now that I write that, is kinda amazing that I can have "left over ice cream", that's kinda a big deal. And I gave a little bit to E&E, for a rare weekday "ice cream party", which made it feel special.

AM SNACK: 4:15am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 7am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10am, fage yogurt with honey, almonds, vanilla, 450 cal

LUNCH: 12:45pm, falafel, split pea soup, health salad, pickles, 620 cal 

PM SNACK: 3:30 pm, momma salad, Grazebox nut mix , 330 cal

DINNER: 6:30pm, mahi mahi, asparagus, poppa salad with caesar dressing, 600 cal

EVENING GORGE: 7pm, 2 kind bars, half a pint of ice cream, +/- 800 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:30pm, popcorn, +/- 300 cal
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TUESDAY COUNT: 2840

SLEPT: 11pm-5am, 1:45pm-2:45pm, 7 hrs
Damn, second day of eating a sweet during the week. My eldest needed some intimacy and encouragement, and despite it involving sweets close to her bedtime, we cooked together for pretty much the first time. After I mised the cookies, she was able to unwrap the butter, pour in the sugars, crack an egg with only 1/2 of the shell falling in, add the chips (after tasting one to make sure our ingredients were good). Previous attempts at this were met with enthusiasm, but her lack of attention and coordination made her participation mostly eating -- I felt like tonight was the first time I actually met the potential Jr. Chef in my daughter.

I guess putting it that way, TOTES worth the cookie dough snarfing on a week night. Let's just not let it happen too often, ok?

AM SNACK: 6am, iced green tea, 0 cal

BREAKFAST: 8am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10am, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 12:45pm, chicken meatballs, steamed string beans, mushroom curry,  pickles, 620 cal 

PM SNACK: 3:30 pm, momma salad, Grazebox nutmix , 320 cal

DINNER: 6:30pm, grilled pork tenderloin,  roasted brussel sprouts, poppa salad with Italian dressing, 690 cal

EVENING SNACK: 7:30pm, a few spoonfuls of chocolate chip cookie dough, 2 cookies, +/- 600 cal

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WEDNESDAY COUNT: 2760

SLEPT: 11pm-3am, 1:30-2:30pm, 5 hrs
Good day, but too bad about the ice cream. Hmmm.

AM SNACK: 3:15am, iced green tea

BREAKFAST: 7:45am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10am, Fage full fat yogurt with honey, vanilla and almonds, 450 cal

LUNCH: 12:45pm, grilled pork tenderloin, roasted brussel sprouts, quinoa, pickles, 770 cal 

PM SNACK: 3 pm, momma salad, Grazebox crackers , 210 cal

PM SNACK: 5:30pm, poppa salad with Cesar dressing, 170 cal

DINNER: 6:30pm, old school dim sum, ice cream, +/- 1000 cal
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BIKE CREDIT: 690
THURSDAY COUNT: 3160

SLEPT: 8:30pm-3am, 6.5 hr
Good ride, though knees a little achy. 

AM SNACK: 3:15am, iced green tea, 150mg caffeine, granola bar, 225 cal

BIKE SNACK: 4:30am, granola bar, 225 cal

BREAKFAST: 7:45am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 9:30am, steel cut oatmeal, 450 cal

LUNCH: 12:45pm,vegetarian meatballs, roasted broccoli and shitake mushrooms, Indian spinach and cheese, pickles, 695 cal 

PM SNACK: 3 pm, momma salad, Grazebox crackers , 210 cal

PM SNACK: 5:30pm, half of a poppa salad with Cesar dressing, 85 cal

PM SNACK: 5:45pm, raisin bran with whole milk, +/- 300 cal

DINNER: 6:30pm, Stouffer's French Bread pizzas, lots of cookies, +/- 1500 cal
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FRIDAY COUNT: 3160

SLEPT: 9pm-12:30am, 1:30am-6am, 8 hr
Up in the middle of night, medicated with some TV. Too many cookies the night before.

AM SNACK: 6:15am, iced green tea,

BREAKFAST: 7am, apple/beet/celery/carrot/cayenne/cucumber/ginger juice, 160 cal

BREAKFAST 2: 10am, fruit smoothie, 500 cal

LUNCH: 12:45pm,almond butter and grape jelly on whole wheat, pickles, health salad, 620 cal

PM SNACK: 3 pm, momma salad, cheezits , 310 cal

DINNER: 5:15pm, hot dog, fries, ice cream, +/- 1000 cal