Wonder-ful Weekend

Oy vey!

There is a scene in Hannah & Her Sisters where Woody Allen's character is trying to find a new religion..... here he is taking a stab at Christianity, I think it may be Catholicism:



That's pretty much how I (and every Jew you and I know) regard Wonder Bread: it's for the starchiest of goyim. It's white, it's squishy, it lacks substance and is only good for mayo, another ultragoy foodstuff. And this past weekend I shovelled in a load of Wonder.

For two of the three nights we were out in the Catskills, we stayed at a slightly ramshackle, totally charming Inn whose dirt in the cracks of the curved floorboards dated back to the 1790s. There was a surprisingly cavernous low-ceilinged dining room, decorated with abandoned detritus antiques heavy on the stuffed deer heads and guns. It was very quiet on our first morning when the innkeeper made us breakfast. When my wife asked who was to thank for the coffee, his friendly response credited "God". Technically correct, if perhaps not factually on point.

Did God come to the Catskills to make coffee for my wife? Michaele Weissman seems to think so.

The sentiment was very Christian, and so was the French toast. While we waited for our meal, I noticed the big toaster with a loaf of Wonder Bread next to it. When the French toast arrived, surprisingly artfully presented on a platter with a bit of butter and jelly on each piece, surrounded by a laurel of bacon, it was clear it's main feature was Wonder. I had to put my finger on a slice and taste it, to confirm it was butter and not mayo.

The innkeeper's French toast tasted great, light, fluffy, sweet. I went to the toast table, took a bit of raw Wonder out, took a nibble and...it tasted good, sweet, light, fluffy, kind of like a slightly chewy cake. I took the nibbled slice, and balled it up into a very small ball -- it was a wonder how tiny it got. The next day, unprovoked, my toddler did the same thing with a slice presented to her. Was it instinct or just good genes?

Wonder Bread is a product of industrialized food science -- the invention of the "perfect" bread. Unfortunately when it was invented, the idea of "perfect" was focused on being soft and airy (hence the balloons in the logo) and the idea of nutrition was not really factored in. In fact, it was factored out by the extreme (for the time) processing required to make wheat into something so spongy and soft.  Oddly enough, the history of Wonder is marked by an effort to add more and more nutrition back into the loaf.

Here are the ingredients in Wonder's classic white

Wheat Flour Enriched (Flour, Barley Malt, Ferrous Sulfate [Iron] , Vitamin B [Niacin, Thiamine Mononitrate (Vitamin B1), Riboflavin (Vitamin B2), Folic Acid (Vitamin aB)] ) , Water, Corn Syrup High Fructose, Contains 22% or less Wheat Gluten, Salt, Soybean(s) Oil, Yeast, Calcium Sulphate (Sulfate), Vinegar, Monoglyceride, Dough Conditioner(s) (Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Calcium Dioxide) , Soy Flour, Diammonium Phosphate, Dicalcium Phosphate, Monocalcium Phosphate, Yeast Nutrients (Ammonium Sulfate) , Calcium Propionate To Retain Freshness

When I bake simple wheat bread at home, here are the ingredients, in order of quantity:

Unbleached whole wheat flour, unbleached white flour, water, wheat gluten, dried milk powder, molasses, instant yeast, salt

I know exactly why each ingredient is in my bread. It's not a super-hippy bread that tastes like dirt and twigs, it tastes strongly like....bread. Not cake, but straight-up bready bread. I keep it in the freezer to avoid it going stale after a day. As for the wonder, a lot of the ingredients are vitamins to give the loaf back the nutrition taken away by processing, and a lot of the chemicals on the end of the list are simply for texture, shelf stability, color and feel.

This God-fearing innkeeper, with his flat grey buzz cut, military tattoos and Midwestern demeanor, has probably been eating Wonder bread since he was a kid, and didn't skimp on the mayo either. He probably hadn't given too much thought to it, other than it's cheap and it's tasty. And breakfast was exactly that. It was a vacation breakfast, but heaven help those who think it's a regular "part of a balanced diet", unless you plan on eating vitamin pills for lunch and cubes of fiber for dinner. Then again, in this modern age, the vitamin pill has been added to the bread.

TODAY'S COUNT: +/- 2350 cal
Woke up in the Catskills, all-you can eat buffet. Ate mindlessly, thought about it on the car trip back, and cut back on the eating accordingly. Guests came over for dinner bearing pizza, so that was an incalculable meal, too. Still, got hungry in the afternoon, quelled it with carrots, and got hungry in the evening, but skipped snacks in favor of water to be on the safe side of the budget.

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, french toast, bacon, bowl of Cheerios and whole milk, small bowl of frosted flakes and milk, water, +/- 1000 cal


PM SNACK: 4pm, baby carrots, +/- 100 cal


DINNER: 6pm, 3 slices pizza, some fried zucchini, 21 oz diet sprite, +/- 1250 cal